Cubs Nation’s Collective Panties Thoroughly Bunched
September 4, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Chicago Cubs fans everywhere have bent, shifted, squated, and tugged feverishly this week, trying desperately to undo the pain they are suffering. The pain of a losing streak. The pain of injured starting pitchers. The pain of a manager who won’t stop using Bobby Howry.
And the pain of panties that are so far bunched up Cubs Nations’ collective ass that they may never see the light of day again… until next year.
After an unbelievable stretch that saw the Cubs win nine series in a row for the first time since the 1930s, and win seven games in a row, the Cubs have fallen on hard times. Heartbreaking loss after heartbreaking loss, and now the news that aces Carlos Zambrano and Rich Harden may be suffering arm and/or shoulder and/or full-body injuries has left Cubs fans everywhere in dispair and unable to immediately buy a gun to end their suffering.
But the real problem for Cubs Nation is something that hits much closer to home. A constrictive, suffocating, tightening feeling.
Deep fried Twinkie gone bad?
The problem is that Cubs Nation’s panties are painfully, ridiculously bunched. And he can’t stop crying about it.
Despite a multigame lead in the National League Central, and despite odds of making the playoffs literally just short of 100%, Cubs Nation cannot shake the feeling of dread.
“I don’t know what to do. I feel terrible,” Cubs Nation said Wednesday. “Everything is going wrong, and my undercarriage is all tight. It’s mostly my own fault, though. No, not because I have the choice to chill out, realize that in the grand scheme of things the Cubs are still doing well, you know, let the chips fall a bit more.”
“It’s my fault because I’m the one who chose to wear panties in the first place.”
“And if I hadn’t borrowed them from my mom, they probably would have been more suitably sized. These gigantic things bunch at the slightest shift in my loins. I should have gone with boxer briefs, or at least a sensible thong.”
Cubs Nation will look to work on the panty situation out sometime this weekend, as well as a similarly uncomfortable sand issue. Fortunately, he is relatively certain that the constant sweating and erectile dysfuntion are unrelated problems that will work themselves out eventually.