Chronic Masturbation Comes Back to Haunt White Sox
September 8, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Last week, Chicago White Sox star and possible American League MVP Carlos Quentin went down with a wrist injury. But it wasn’t until late in the week that the truth about the injury was revealed – both in severity and cause.
Quentin’s wrist was broken and would require likely season-ending surgery. How could this cruel joke have happened to the White Sox; to such an important player at such a critical juncture? But more importantly, how did the injury really happen?
The White Sox say Quentin broke his wrist when he punched a bat following a poor showing at the plate. But Quentin has since admitted that punching the bat isn’t how it happened. Well, unless “punching the bat” is some kind of wacky euphimism.
“I appreciate the team telling everyone that I broke my wrist by punching the bat I was holding in my other hand after whiffing on a pitch,” Quentin explained. “But that is far too embarrassing of a story to let circulate. Can you imagine if that’s how it really happened? How humiliating that would be.”
“No, no. It’s time to tell the simple, and probably obvious, truth. I am a chronic, habitual masturbator, which resulted in deterioration of the bone density in my wrist, and caused it to snap during a particularly vigorous session while watching Gossip Girl. Ok, ok, it was Maid in Manhattan.”
Quentin’s honesty, both refreshing and creepy, didn’t stop there.
“I just can’t believe it has happened again. After my grandma walked in on my when I was thirteen and fell down the stairs in shock, I thought masturbation was done doing harm to me and those around me.”
But it appears that self-love has become self-hate for the White Sox, as they must now try to make the playoffs without their best player. For Quentin’s part, he’ll be cheering on his team, but he will feel a great deal of guilt that he can’t be there to help.
“I didn’t think I was hurting anyone with my habit. But I was. I was hurting my family, I was hurting my team. And I was hurting myself. Mostly with my belt.”
Quentin has vowed to rehab following surgery, and do whatever it takes to come back to the White Sox healthy and able to contribute. Even, he says, if it means giving up his dirty little habit. Or at the very least, becoming a switch-hitter.
With the Quentin injury revelation, many Cubs fans have started to wonder about Derrek Lee’s wrist injury from a couple years ago.
This weekend, the White Sox learned that Joe Crede is also going to be out for the rest of the season with back injuries. It is unclear at this time if the injury was sustained in a “back-to-back” session Quentin, but it seems likely. Crede’s back problems have lingered over the years, so a damaging attempt at autofelatio is also a possibility.