Carlos Zambrano No-Hits Astros, Feasts on Their Flesh

September 15, 2008

Chicago Cubs Carlos Zambrano crazy

(Milwaukee, WI) – It was a home game for the Houston Astros, but you certainly couldn’t tell. The stadium wasn’t the Astros’. The fans weren’t cheering for the Astros. The winning team wasn’t the Astros. And the biggest star on the field wasn’t an Astro.

It was the guy absolutely mowing down the Astros. No-hitting them. Destroying them. Devouring them.

Chicago Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano threw his first no-hitter last night in Milwaukee against the Houston Astros in the first of two rescheduled games, moved from Houston because of Hurricane Ike. Zambrano kept the Astros off-balance all night long, striking out 10, and making the rest look foolish. It was the Cubs’ first no-hitter in more than 35 years, though they have come close recently.

Zambrano did it with the trademarked craze he keeps in his eye. A craze that built steadily from the first inning where it was but a flicker of insanity, through the ninth inning where it had reached a fever pitch.

The fever? For more cowbell? No. For human flesh.

After striking out Darin Erstad on a nasty splitter, Zambrano dropped to a knee, screamed, pointed to the sky, and then completely lost his mind – added insult to injury. Or more aptly, injury to insult.

He sprinted into the Astro dugout, continuing bloodlust in his eyes, and dove headlong into the first Astro he saw: Fat Elvis Lance Berkman. Zambrano ripped into Berkman’s healthy gut, and devoured his endocrine system. One by one, Zambrano weaved his way through the Astro dugout, carving up the Astros as he had in the game – though this time, quite literally.

“I can’t really explain it,” Big Z said after the game and the bloodbath. “I was just so excited about no-hitting them, about dominating them, I just had to taste them. All game long I was hearing how I was tearing them up, and it made me want to really tear them up.”

“Their blood. It sustains me.”

Zambrano later confessed to weekly jaunts about town to “feast on the meat of the righteous,” and attributed his rejuvinated arm strength to his ravenous tastes.


2 Responses to “Carlos Zambrano No-Hits Astros, Feasts on Their Flesh”

  1. Nosferatu on September 15th, 2008 10:33 am

    I like this guy.

  2. Carlton on September 20th, 2008 8:50 pm

    I bet they taste like cow dung.

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