Cubs Clinch Central Division Crown, Render Rest of Regular Season Totally Meaningless

September 22, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – Break out the champagne and toast the 2008 National League Central champions, the Chicago Cubs. And don’t bother stopping for like another week and a half.

That’s because when the Cubs clinched on Saturday, they did so with nine games left in the regular season. Nine games that now mean absolutely nothing.

“Yeah, there’s pretty much no point to doing anything for the rest of the regular season,” Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramirez said Sunday while he lounged in shorts, with his feet in a kiddy pool. “I’m just going to rest up, get healthy, and get drunk off my ass for like a week straight.”

Manager Lou Piniella agreed with Ramirez’s assessment.

“I can’t even believe I have to manage these last few games. I mean, what’s the point?” Piniella asked while whittling a homemade fishing pole. “I’ve got other stuff I could be doing, like fishing. But if they’re gonna make me manage these pointless games, I’m gonna have some fun with it. Ever wanted to see Derrek Lee pitch? Or Geovany Soto catch barehanded? Hell, I’m gonna start a freaking rhinocerous in left field this week. Just because.”

Chicago Cubs chairman Crane Kenney understandably doesn’t want fans staying home or turning off the TV for the rest of the regular season.

“Meaningless? No way is the rest of the regular season meaningless,” he said frantically Sunday. “There’s still the post-season rotation to get set, and maybe that 25th spot on the bench up for grabs. The last two weeks of games will be critical to that end. And you get to see starting lineups of guys you’ve never heard of. But that’s a good thing, because, um, now you, um, will have heard of them.”

“Oh, and you might actually get to see Kosuke Fukudome start games again!”


2 Responses to “Cubs Clinch Central Division Crown, Render Rest of Regular Season Totally Meaningless”

  1. Jason Marquis Pitching His Way Into Postseason Rotation Spot that Doesn’t Exist | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Jokes, Sports Parody News, and Blog on September 24th, 2008 7:31 am

    [...] doesn’t matter, not only because the Cubs have clinched the NL Central, but also because the Cubs’ postseason rotation is set with only four pitchers. Jason Marquis [...]

  2. Brian on September 25th, 2008 5:51 pm

    Marquis still scares the hell out of me. I’ve never liked him one bit. He’s had a pretty good year by his standards, but why give him a chance in the postseason to F it up. This has been one of my favorite Cubbie years though. We have a hell of a team. Harden makes me hard.

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