Cubs Hoping Manny Demands Trade Before NLDS Begins

October 1, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – Tonight the Chicago Cubs begin their quest to reverse one hundred years of curses, misery, and general baseball suckitude. They’ll take on the Los Angeles Dodgers in the 2008 National League Divisional Series, starting this evening in Chicago.

Though the Cubs had success against the Dodgers earlier this year, that was before the Dodgers acquired perhaps the best, and most enigmatic hitter in the game, Manny Ramirez. Ramirez, with an OPS nearing 1.200 since he was traded by the Boston Red Sox earlier this year, has almost single-handedly dragged the Dodgers into the playoffs.

And boy would the Cubs like it if they didn’t have to face him.

Earlier this year, without much warning or good reason, Ramirez demanded to be traded from the Boston Red Sox. Ramirez was sent to Los Angeles, where he had an immediate and dramatic effect on the team. Always a persnickety sort, the Dodgers have done their best to keep Ramirez happy, lest he turn on them as well – something the Cubs decided might help their playoff chances.

That’s why late Monday night, the Cubs deftly floated the idea to Manny that he wasn’t appreciated in Los Angeles.

“We just told him they didn’t really realize what a great player they had in Los Angeles,” an unnamed Cubs source confessed. Asked for specifics, the source confirmed that the Cubs cited several examples. “We told him that the team was piping cheering in through the speakers, that the fans weren’t saying ‘woo hoo,’ they were saying ‘boo hoo.’ We said that all of those blue ‘Ramirez’ jerseys you see are actually for Aramis Ramirez. Oh, and that one time, we’re pretty sure we heard the Dodgers’ announcer call him Ranny Mamirez.”

Apparently, the ploy worked. At least temporarily.

As of Tuesday morning, it appeared that they would get their wish. Ramirez was all over the Los Angeles media demanding that the Dodgers trade him immediately to a team that would respect him, and let him “be Manny.” He said he didn’t understand or care about trade deadlines or postseason processes, he wasn’t going to “play another down” in Dodger blue.

Rather than deal with the circus, the Dodgers relented and dealt Ramirez to the Kansas City Royals in the afternoon. But without anyone in his ear telling him what to do, Ramirez vacilated, as he is known to do. He demanded that the Royals trade him back the Dodgers, which they did.

But that wasn’t the end of the drama. Upon returning to the Dodgers, Ramirez had other demands.

Ramirez demanded a bowl of orange M&Ms in his locker, demanded to wear headphones for the rest of the week, and then demanded to pitch in the playoffs.

Then, Ramirez demanded to be traded again, this time to the Chicago Bears, which he immediately recanted, saying he was confused and thought they were the Los Angeles Sparks.

Then, Ramirez demanded a churro, which he was given.

The Cubs remain hopeful that Ramirez will again demand to be traded in time for tonights NLDS Game One. “You just never know with Manny,” the Cubs source said. “If is still on the team by tonight and we have to face him, we’ll probably just tell him his bat has ghosts. That might work.”


2 Responses to “Cubs Hoping Manny Demands Trade Before NLDS Begins”

  1. Brian on October 1st, 2008 8:31 am

    Ramirez scares the crap out of me. I woke up being very nervous and anxious. He’s a stud…a unique character who is very needy…but definitely a stud. I can’t wait for the game. I hope Manny gets stuck in LA traffic, gets the runs, or something.


  2. Ace on October 1st, 2008 11:03 am

    Yup. Can’t let Manny beat us. He’s their Bonds, their Pujols.

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