Pacman Jones Victim of NFL’s Draconian “Eight Strikes and You’re Out” Rule
October 15, 2008
(Dallas, TX) – Adam “Pacman” Jones has been suspended indefinitely by the NFL following an alcohol-related scuffle involving his bodyguard just 41 days after he was reinstated to the league.
The suspension could run as short as four games, or could be permanent. The severity of the punishment, some say, underscores how out of touch the league is with modern times. After just a couple handfuls of missteps, Jones could be out of the NFL for good.
“We can tolerate some misconduct,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell read from his prepared statement. “A little steroid use here and there. A little marijuana. A little making it rain in a strip club. A little stabbing. Maybe even five or six of those kinds of things combined at a bachelor party. But eight such instances is just too much.”
“We want to make it clear to our athletes that we’re serious about our conduct policy. If you screw up, you’re gonna be gone. It’s just like in baseball, and the analogy is simple and elegant. If you go up to the plate and get a couple quick strikes on you, and then you foul off five pitches, and then you whiff on that eighth strike, well, or you take the eighth strike, or foul tip it into the catcher’s glove, or it’s a strike in the dirt and the catcher tags you or throws you out at first, or say if, like, you were trying to bunt and you fouled off that one, it counts as a strike. Well then you’d be out. See, it’s simple.”
Naturally, Jones disagrees.
“Of course I think it’s too harsh,” Jones said when he learned of the suspension. “A guy makes a couple tiny mistakes, subsequently followed by a handful of life-altering, gigantic mistakes, directly followed by another teeny, tiny mistake, and he’s out.”
Jones is not the only NFL player to run up against the league’s strict eight strikes and you’re out rule.
Also up for discipline is former Denver Broncos running back Travis Henry, recently arrested for attempting to unload an approximate house-worth of cocaine. Asked for comment, Henry had little to say. “I heard about what happened to Pacman, and of course I’m worried. If I get kicked out of the league, how will I make a living? How will I feed my 17 kids? Yes, 17. I’ve had 8 more since this summer. My sperm are like battering rams, and more impervious to injury than I ever was.”
Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry, not related, is also nearing his eighth strike after numerous run-ins with the law. But Henry says he’s turned over a new leaf.
Unfortunately there was a case of beer and and two underaged girls under that leaf. His hearing with the Commissioner is on Thursday.
As for Jones and his time in Dallas, the future is uncertain.
“I thought this country was about second chances. Second, and third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth chances. That’s all I really need. That, a six-pack, couple white chicks, and about 80 guns. That’s it. I’m not asking for much.”