10 Ways the Financial Crisis is Affecting the Chicago Cubs

October 17, 2008

chicago cubs financial crisis

(Chicago, IL) – The recent financial crisis and subsequent avalanche in the stock market has left a myriad of victims in its wake. From Wall Street investment banks like Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers, to Main Street banks like the Chicago Central Credit Union and Big Earl’s Bucks ‘n Stuff, institutions nationwide have been deeply affected.

And unfortunately for sports fans everywhere, our favorite franchises are not going to be able to avoid the impact. Some are already feeling the squeeze, like our Chicago Cubs.

So how are Cubs handling the crisis? As well as they can, but the effects are obvious. Here are 10 ways the Cubs have been visibly affected by the financial crisis:

10. Jason Marquis keeps telling teammates that he’s terrified of a rapid deflationary cycle, volatile commodity prices, and a protracted recession; or he would be if he knew what any of those words meant.

9. Cubs management plans to begin scalping more tickets than usual – namely, all of them.

8. It is now slightly less creepy when someone talks about “injecting liquidity” in the showers.

7. Daryle Ward has been forced to reduce his daily whole-fried hog intake to three.

6. Derrek Lee agrees to ground into fewer double-plays next year for a cash advance.

5. Management has imposed a strict yellow-let-it-mellow policy in the clubhouse.

4. Big offseason move will be acquiring a taste for spam.

3. Prospective owner Mark Cuban opted instead to pursue a purchase of the Iowa Cubs, then the Daytona Cubs, and ultimately, a Cubs hat.

2. Players 2009 salaries will be paid in Schrute Bucks.

1. Carlos Zambrano has resorted to eating his own legs for survival. But there was an 80% chance that was going to happen at some point anyway.


8 Responses to “10 Ways the Financial Crisis is Affecting the Chicago Cubs”

  1. Butcher on October 17th, 2008 8:36 am

    And if it’s brown?

  2. Ace on October 17th, 2008 9:54 am

    You either flush it down or scarf it down, depending on how tough times have gotten.

  3. ozzone05 on October 17th, 2008 10:11 am

    11 – the cubs stop wasting money trying to win and just give up.

  4. Butcher on October 17th, 2008 1:52 pm

    Ozzone should start his own blog. He’s clearly got the goods!

  5. Chris on October 20th, 2008 4:34 pm

    I’d definitely play for Schrute Bucks; they’re currently trading higher than the dollar in 78% of World Markets….

  6. Ace on October 20th, 2008 7:11 pm

    And they’re the official currency of Paraguay.

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    [...] offseason, for a few days, it seemed possible that MLB teams would avoid the crisis, with the exception of the Chicago Cubs. But just yesterday, it was revealed that one team is as highly-leveraged and poorly run as the [...]

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