2008 Cubs Were Victims of Expectations, Pressure, and Baseball Rape
October 8, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Another season. Another nightmare.
The 2008 Chicago Cubs were as dominant in the regular season as they were flacid in the post-season.
It was a perfect storm. A confluence of expectations that couldn’t be matched, one hundred years of pressure that couldn’t be overcome, and ultimately, on-field rape at the hands of an aggressive Los Angeles Dodgers squad. Read more
Cubs Ready to Turn It On in Game Four
October 6, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – The Cubs are headed back to Chicago a little earlier than expected, after a disappointing weekend that saw them lose to the Los Angeles Dodgers in the NLDS for the third straight game. But the team is in surprisingly good spirits, all things considered.
The team says it’s because they’re really excited and geared up for Game 4 of the series. Read more
Cubs Refuse to Let Manny Beat Them, Insist on Doing It Themselves
October 3, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – The Cubs came into their series with the Los Angeles Dodgers with a strategy: don’t let Manny Ramirez beat you. And so far, the strategy is working, despite Manny’s two home runs.
It was exemplified last night, in the Cubs’ 10-3 loss to the Dodgers. The Cubs can rest knowing assuredly that they didn’t let Manny beat them. Read more
Cubs Really Appreciate Being Reminded They Were Swept Last Year
October 2, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Did you know that the Chicago Cubs played a team from the National League West last year in the first round of the playoffs?
Did you know that the Cubs were swept in that series by the Arizona Diamondbacks?
Did you? Did you?
Because the Cubs had no idea. They totally couldn’t remember. And it’s so helpful that everyone – announcers, opponents, passers-by, even fans – is reminding them following their Game One loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers. Read more
Cubs Hoping Manny Demands Trade Before NLDS Begins
October 1, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Tonight the Chicago Cubs begin their quest to reverse one hundred years of curses, misery, and general baseball suckitude. They’ll take on the Los Angeles Dodgers in the 2008 National League Divisional Series, starting this evening in Chicago.
Though the Cubs had success against the Dodgers earlier this year, that was before the Dodgers acquired perhaps the best, and most enigmatic hitter in the game, Manny Ramirez. Ramirez, with an OPS nearing 1.200 since he was traded by the Boston Red Sox earlier this year, has almost single-handedly dragged the Dodgers into the playoffs.
And boy would the Cubs like it if they didn’t have to face him. Read more
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Random Flashback Headlines
- Cubs Feel Bad for Spurned Non-All Star Reds, Treat Them to Home Run Derby
- Unable to Drop “Losers” Tag, Cubs Work to Shed “Lovable” Tag by Beating Up Handicapped Children
- Confused, Possibly Comically Racist Lou Piniella Demands Kosuke Fukudome’s Translator Get His Ass Out to Right Field
- The Nation Mourns its Fallen Hero
- Cubs Send Jacque Jones on Impromptu Trip to Six Flags
- Baseball gods tired of the same old Cubs curses, decide to “go Exodus on the Northsiders”
- Celebrity Deaths Clearly Taking Toll on Milton Bradley
- Cubs Trade Felix Pie’s Twisted Testicle and PTBNL to Orioles
- Kevin Gregg Had No Idea He Was Still Wearing Gigantic Glasses
- Prince Fielder Becomes a Vegetarian – Meat Industry Files for Bankruptcy
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