Grease-Covered John Madden Doesn’t Know What Happened to the Turducken

November 26, 2008

john madden turducken

(New York, NY) – We all have Thanksgiving traditions. For some of us it is turkey and mashed potatoes. For others, it’s taking time to give thanks for the many blessings of life. For others still, it’s explaining to your mother why it didn’t work out with Gina, and yes you are going to give her grandchildren at some point, and no you don’t know why your life is such a mess, and no you’re not just trying to hurt her.

But for NFL announcer John Madden, Thanksgiving tradition has always meant two things: football and turducken. Read more

Trent Green Looking for Job as Bears’ Quarterback

November 24, 2008

(St. Louis, MO) – The Chicago Bears bounced back from an embarrassing defeat last week at the hands of the rival Packers, as they crushed the hapless St. Louis Rams on Sunday afternoon. It was needed, valuable, and solid victory.

But one St. Louis Ram wants the Bears to know they couldn’t have done it without him. Read more

Mark Cuban Fined Heavily for Criticizing SEC Officials

November 21, 2008

cubs mark cuban

(Dallas, TX) – On Monday, prospective Chicago Cubs owner and current Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was charged by SEC officials with insider trading. Cuban, a noted investor and businessman, admits that he traded on material, nonpublic information, but denies that he owed any duty to protect that information. Blah, blah. That part is boring.

Far more interesting is how Cuban reacted in a post-investigation press conference when asked what he thought about the SEC officials. Read more

Cubs Re-Sign Dempster for $52 Million Because There’s No Way Last Year Was a Fluke

November 19, 2008

Ryan Dempster picture

(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs took care of their top offseason priority yesterday, re-signing starter Ryan Dempster to a four-year, $52 million contract. Dempster finished sixth in NL Cy Young voting after a dominant year for the Cubs. And after a year like that, you’ve got to have him back, right?

After all, one great year usually translations into continued success. Just ask Carl Pavano. Or Esteban Loaiza. Or, um, Rich Hill. Read more

Bears’ “Coordinator for a Day” Program Ends in Disaster

November 17, 2008

(Green Bay, WI) – Lovie Smith just wants what’s best for the Chicago Bears and the fans of the Chicago Bears. But sometimes the path to getting absolutely shit-kicked by the Green Bay Packers is paved with best intentions.

Earlier this month, Smith announced a new program that would allow two fans, selected by random drawing, to serve as offensive and defensive coordinators for a game. It never sounded like a good idea. Read more

Lou Piniella on Manager of the Year Award: I Owe it All to Me

November 14, 2008

lou piniella suck it

(Chicago, IL) – The postseason awards are in full swing, and the Chicago Cubs are raking in the hardware. Earlier in the week, catcher Geovany Soto was named the NL Rookie of the Year, only to be followed by manager Lou Piniella winning the NL Manager of the Year Award.

It is a well-deserved accolade, to be certain, after he led the Cubs to the best regular season record in the National League. And Lou wants to make sure he thanks everyone who helped him get where he is. Though it’s a surprisingly short list. Read more

Sports Writers Dual for Supreme Idiot Status with Rookie of the Year Vote

November 12, 2008

geovany soto picture

(Chicago, IL) – This week the Baseball Writers Association of America was tasked, as they are each year, with the responsibility of selecting the American and National League Rookies of the Year. It is a duty they clearly take very seriously, and into which they put a great deal of time and effort.

But the task is arduous, thankless, and thoroughly undesireable.

That’s why many members of this year’s crew went to great lengths to cast some of the most incomprehensible votes in recent memory, in the hopes that they will be excused from future service. Read more

Kyle Orton Regrets Selling Ankle for Success

November 10, 2008

bears kyle orton

(Chicago, IL) – Bears quarterback Kyle Orton could only sit on the sidelines and watch yesterday as the Bears went down to the Tennessee Titans 21-14. He could only sit on the sidelines and watch as his replacement – the man he replaced – Rex Grossman struggled to do much of anything positive against a quality Titan defense.

Orton could only watch, because he out with a bum ankle.

And he’s ready to admit that it’s his fault. Read more

Cubs Plan to Trade for Jake Peavy, Somehow Come Home with Mark Prior

November 7, 2008

cubs mark prior

(Chicago, IL) – It’s the time of year when Cubs trade rumors are running rampant, and the hottest rumor making the circuit these days involves the Cubs trading for San Diego pitcher Jake Peavy. Long thought by Cubs fans to be a pipe dream, the latest buzz had the Cubs as frontrunners for the young superstar.

But at the recent general manager meetings, Jim Hendry had plans to acquire Peavy, and somehow, he came away with a lemon. Read more

Cubs Fire Fukudome’s Translator After Discovering He Doesn’t Speak Japanese

November 5, 2008

Chicago Cubs Kosuke Fukudome

(Chicago, IL) – On Monday, the Chicago Cubs announced that they had fired outfielder Kosuke Fukudome‘s Japanese translator. Ryuji Araki had served as Fukudome’s translator throughout the 2008 Cubs season, and during Fukudome’s transition into the United States before the season began.

But late in the season, rifts began to emerge between Araki, Fukudome, and Cubs’ managment. The differences centered on philosophical problems, complex cultural issues, and the fact that Araki can’t speak Japanese worth shit. Read more

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