Win or Lose, Ryan Dempster is “Taking that Sarah Palin chick out to dinner”

November 3, 2008

ryan dempster and sarah palin

(Chicago, IL) – In just two days, the United States will know the identity of our next President. It could be Senator John McCain, or Senator Barack Obama. But perhaps more intriguingly, we will also know the identity of our next Vice President. And with apologies to Hannibal Hamlin and current Vice President Dick Cheney, there’s a chance that our next one will be the most ridiculous VP ever.

That bundle of ridiculous is Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, and although Chicago Cubs players with a brain revile and fear her, some Cub republicans like her. A lot. Perhaps too much.

Cubs pitcher Ryan Dempster met Governor Palin at a rally in late August, and he says they’ve had a connection ever since.

“We were standing across the room from each other,” Dempster began with a wistful longing in his eye. “She was on the stage, and I was at the back of the Carribou Lodge auditorium. And although she was talking to everyone, I could tell we connected. And it was like she was speaking only to me.”

“Her message really resonated with me. I could tell she cared deeply about the issues and about the American people. It was her message and her passion that really made me a Sarah Palin fan. Oh, and her quality rack.”

Dempster says he then decided to follow Palin around the country, when his schedule allowed, before there was a breakthrough in early October.

“It was a rally in Hammond [in Northwest Indiana], and when she came in the room she did the hand shaking thing, and I was in the right place at the right time. Oh, how lucky I was! I was the third person whose hand she touched. But it wasn’t just a shake. She lingered. I could tell. She was feeling it. And I’m pretty sure she missed a critical button on her blouse.”

Dempster may have had the moment – real or imagined – on his mind later that night in Chicago, when he walked 85 Los Angeles Dodgers in Game One of the NLDS, leading to a loss for the Cubs.

Going forward, Dempster says, he has plans for a relationship with Palin beyond Tuesday’s election.

“I am going to tell you one thing. Whether she and McCain win or lose the election, I am taking that Sarah Palin chick out to dinner. A romantic dinner.”

And Dempster should certainly have the cash to do so. After a spectacular season for the Cubs, he is expecting a windfall of cash this offseason having yesterday filed for free agency. He may stay with the Cubs or he may go elsewhere, but wherever he signs, he can afford to take her somewhere nice. “Really nice,” he says. “Chili’s is not out of the question.”

Ultimately, though, for a “chick that can kill a moose with her bare hands,” Dempster says he thinks he knows the place for her.

“I know this great steakhouse where you pick out your own cow. And then you kill it yourself with a boltgun. That’s the kind of place Sarah Palin would have a romantic dinner. It will be amazing. Bathed in candle light and cow blood, we will have our first kiss. And she will be mine.”

Of course, there is one part of the equation Dempster hadn’t considered.

“Husband? That chick has a husband? Crap. Well, okay. I mean, I can deal with a husband as long as she doesn’t have any kids. Especially if any of the kids have special needs, or have kids of their own. I can’t be with no GILF.”


One Response to “Win or Lose, Ryan Dempster is “Taking that Sarah Palin chick out to dinner””

  1. Cubs Re-Sign Dempster for $52 Million Because There’s No Way Last Year Was a Fluke | The Cubs Brickyard - Chicago Cubs Jokes, Sports Parody News, and Blog on November 19th, 2008 8:27 am

    [...] his part, Dempster is happy with the deal. He wanted to stay in Chicago, and he wanted to be massi-donkulously rich. And he [...]

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