Cubs Plan to Trade for Jake Peavy, Somehow Come Home with Mark Prior
November 7, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – It’s the time of year when Cubs trade rumors are running rampant, and the hottest rumor making the circuit these days involves the Cubs trading for San Diego pitcher Jake Peavy. Long thought by Cubs fans to be a pipe dream, the latest buzz had the Cubs as frontrunners for the young superstar.
But at the recent general manager meetings, Jim Hendry had plans to acquire Peavy, and somehow, he came away with a lemon.
“We were all waiting in the driveway for Jim to come home from the meetings,” Cubs shortstop Ryan Theriot said. “He told us he was bringing back someone new and shiny, and we knew he had taken newspaper clippings of Jake Peavy with him to the meetings, so that’s who we were expecting. Needless to say, we were a little surprised at who he brought back.”
That’s because Hendry didn’t come back with Jake Peavy. He came back with Mark Prior.
Prior, the former Cub and former able pitcher, had nominally been with the Padres last year before continued injuries prevented him from actually ever pitching. Nobody really knew where he was anymore, but somehow Jim Hendry found him. And somehow thought it was a good idea to take him off the Padres’ hands.
“Look, I didn’t go into those meetings planning on getting a Mark Prior,” Hendry tried to explain. “My mind was made up. I was getting Jake Peavy. So I set up a private meeting with [San Diego General Manager] Kevin Towers, and I told him I was there for Jake Peavy.”
But that’s when things took a disasterous turn.
“Everything happened so fast, and Kevin Towers is such a sweet talker, and there were all these lights and music. I got confused. It was all these high pressure sales tactics. He kept saying he understood why I wanted Jake Peavy, but that the Peavy was very expensive and wasn’t very sensible. He said his sales manager wouldn’t let him cut me a deal on Peavy, but he could get me an amazing deal on a used, high mileage Mark Prior.”
“And he said if I made the deal right there, right then, he said he’d throw in the undercoating for free. I didn’t really know what that meant, but I couldn’t pass it up. I subsequently learned what undercoating means with regards to a man, and it’s gross. Strangely erotic, but mostly gross. But it was free.”
It was the classic bait and switch, and Hendry fell for it. So when he came back to Chicago with Prior in tow – literally in tow as Prior can no longer walk under his own power – he understood those disappointed faces.
“I know it’s not the pitcher they had in mind, but we’re just going to have to make it work,” Hendry said. “Either we’ll make it work, or we’ll dump Prior off on someone more stupid than me.”
A quick web search reveals a recent listing popping up on the Chicago area Craigslist: “Great pitcher for sale. Slightly used. Slightly disabled. Slightly douchebaggish. Will accept interesting trades.”
As for the Padres, they’ve still got Peavy to move. And whom did they land in exchange for Prior? Probably a couple of minor league scrubs, right?
“Oh, that,” Hendry stammered. “Well, I kind of sent them Aramis Ramirez and Rich Harden. Like I said, there were flashing lights and crazy techno music. I didn’t know what I was doing.”