Kyle Orton Regrets Selling Ankle for Success
November 10, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Bears quarterback Kyle Orton could only sit on the sidelines and watch yesterday as the Bears went down to the Tennessee Titans 21-14. He could only sit on the sidelines and watch as his replacement – the man he replaced – Rex Grossman struggled to do much of anything positive against a quality Titan defense.
Orton could only watch, because he out with a bum ankle.
And he’s ready to admit that it’s his fault.
Just a few short months ago, most Bears fans were ready to give up on Orton. He had previously been an almost passable quarterback for the Bears, but ultimately was unable to find the kind of success Bears fans – and Orton – were hoping for.
That’s when he decided to take matters into his own hands.
“I knew that my own innate ability would never be enough to make me a top NFL quarterback,” Orton said late Sunday. “I thought about steroids, but I really think needles are icky. I tried hard work and practice, but that was kind of hard and boring. So it the only thing left to do: I spoke to Satan.”
Orton says he held a seance to commune with the Dark Lord, where he offered something of great value to both Lucifer and Orton in exchange for success in the NFL. And no, it was not his neckbeard.
“Most people sell something like their soul for success, but I need my soul. I like my soul. That would just be crazy. So I suggested my ankle. That was a mistake. My bad.”
The trade worked for many weeks, as Orton inexplicably blossomed into an excellent quarterback. But the success was short lived, as Satan came calling to collect.
“In retrospect,” Orton continued, “it would have made more sense to sell something I didn’t need to actually enjoy the success that I was trading for. Satan came and took the ankle, and boom, I was sidelined. It was really a boneheaded move, especially considering the Devil had previously asked to trade for my pogs. That’s the one I probably should have done, but he was going to make me include my slammer.”
The Bears hope Orton will be able to return to the starting lineup by next week, but that’s only if the Devil let’s Orton have his ankle back. And if he does, there’s no certainty that Orton will still be any good.
“Yeah, I might give him his ankle back,” Beezlebub said early Monday morning, stepping away briefly from his desk job on Wall Street. “Or I might not. You just never know with me. Ooh, will he? Won’t he? He’s a mystery! Ok, the truth is, I just like attention. I don’t have many friends. It’s my own fault, I’m kind of a dick.”