Cubs Re-Sign Dempster for $52 Million Because There’s No Way Last Year Was a Fluke

November 19, 2008

Ryan Dempster picture

(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs took care of their top offseason priority yesterday, re-signing starter Ryan Dempster to a four-year, $52 million contract. Dempster finished sixth in NL Cy Young voting after a dominant year for the Cubs. And after a year like that, you’ve got to have him back, right?

After all, one great year usually translations into continued success. Just ask Carl Pavano. Or Esteban Loaiza. Or, um, Rich Hill.

Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry is thrilled that the team was able to get something done for such a critical player.

“When a 31-year-old guy in a contract year, who hasn’t been a starter in five years, and hasn’t been a good starter in eight years, suddenly busts out a huge, inexplicably good year, that’s the kind of guy who is guaranteed to dominate for at least four more years,” Hendry said. “There’s literally no reason to question this deal.”

“No, really, don ‘t question the deal. Didn’t you see the press release? If you question this deal, it means you like little boys. It was in the release. That’s just a fact.”

For his part, Dempster is happy with the deal. He wanted to stay in Chicago, and he wanted to be massi-donkulously rich. And he thinks it is a good deal for the Cubs.

“Look, I mean, last year, I figured it all out,” Dempster explained. “I figured out the little glove flicking thing. And it worked. And there’s no way the league will ever figure it out. They’re all like, ‘I’m ready to hit the ball, here comes the pitch, oh my God, what is he doing with his glove, I can’t fight this nasty voodoo!,’ and boom. Swing and miss. You know, or grand slam to James Loney that sets the tone for a playoff sweep. You know. Whatever.”

The Cubs will now turn their attention to other offseason priorities, including totally unrelated budget cuts, signing overpriced veterans to fill roles young guys could do for less, and hoping for six guys to simultaneous rejuvinate their careers in Chicago, a la Dempster and Jim Edmonds last year.


4 Responses to “Cubs Re-Sign Dempster for $52 Million Because There’s No Way Last Year Was a Fluke”

  1. Butcher on November 19th, 2008 3:59 pm


    Lots of funnies. But lots of sad truths…

  2. Joel on November 20th, 2008 2:39 am

    I agree completely with Butcher.

    I still have faith in Dempster though. It’s too early to doubt him when Spring is a while away.

  3. Ace on November 20th, 2008 8:22 am

    I hope you’re right, Joel. If he keeps up his intensity in training, I’m confident he’ll be solid again. If he gets complacent, though, he could be another Marquis.

  4. peter robert casey on December 6th, 2008 4:46 pm

    Hello there,
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    Your’s in Hoops,
    Peter Robert Casey

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