Grease-Covered John Madden Doesn’t Know What Happened to the Turducken
November 26, 2008
(New York, NY) – We all have Thanksgiving traditions. For some of us it is turkey and mashed potatoes. For others, it’s taking time to give thanks for the many blessings of life. For others still, it’s explaining to your mother why it didn’t work out with Gina, and yes you are going to give her grandchildren at some point, and no you don’t know why your life is such a mess, and no you’re not just trying to hurt her.
But for NFL announcer John Madden, Thanksgiving tradition has always meant two things: football and turducken.
Turducken, a massive, slow-roasted turkey, stuffed with a duck, which is itself stuffed with a chicken, was made famous by Madden, who offered its many legs to the outstanding NFL performers on Thanksgiving day.
But this year, when broadcast officials arrived at Madden’s house to retrieve the ceremonial turducken for use on Thanksgiving, Madden, who usually prepares the triple bird, said he didn’t know what they were talking about: there was no turducken. And he stuck to his story later as reporters arrived to find the faint scent of roasted meat still hanging in the air, and Madden laying prone on a couch with his belt undone and a face that looked greasier than a pimple-faced teen.
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you guys,” Madden stammered as he wiped his chin with a translucent sleeve. “No turducken this year. BOOM. There never was one.”
“Fox and CBS didn’t invite me to do the Thanksgiving day football games this year, but whatever. BOOM. I’m not mad about it. Is that what this is about? Are you calling me an emotional eater? Look, just because I’m half naked, slathered in turkey grease and cranberry sauce doesn’t mean I took the turducken and ate it like I was making angry love to a mythical beast. BOOM.”
Madden’s ruse was almost successful, but for two things. The massive jowls hanging from his neck line turned out to be turkey skin, and there was a massive pile of bones leaving a damning trail from the kitchen to the couch where Madden rested. Of course, Madden was still not ready to accept responsibility for the missing turducken.
“These bones? Oh, these are um, dog bones. I, um, I eat dogs.”