Ryan Theriot Charged with Assault after Biting Kristen Stewart
December 3, 2008
(Hollywood, CA) – The nation is swept up in a phenomenon – a fad so overpowering that it consumes people, changes them, and grips their very soul. We’ve seen it with Harry Potter. We’ve seen it with hyper color shirts. And we’ve seen it with pogs.
But this time, the phenomenon that is Twilight is hitting very close to home.
Twilight, a film based on a book about teenage vampires and forbidden love, is supposed to be just for tweeny girls. Sure, lonely older women and creepy dudes might try to tell you it’s for everyone, but it’s not. But it seems that Chicago Cubs shortstop Ryan Theriot didn’t get the memo.
Earlier this week, after his thirteenth viewing of Twilight, Ryan Theriot jetted off to Hollywood to find the movie’s female star, the beautiful Kristen Stewart. When he found her, he tried to make his movie fantasy reality, and do what the vampires in the film couldn’t do: Theriot bit Kristen Stewart right in the neck.
“After seeing Twilight, it all made sense,” Theriot said from his Racida holding cell. “My aversion to sunlight, my ability to fly, and the strong desire to feast on the blood of the mortal. I thought it was some kind of 24 hour bug. But it turns out I’m a vampire.”
“It’s hard to explain. I saw the movie and I was drawn to her. I understood why the handsome vampire wanted to be with her, and I wanted to be with her. Forever. Holy crap that sounds creepy! But really, it was romantic and sweet. I tracked her down in my F150, trapped her in a discarded tent cover, took her away to cavern, and bit her neck. See? Romantic.”
“Sure, she was screaming, but that was just the passion, and the transformation. I, too, screamed when I was turned by the powerful but sensual bite of Jim Edmonds. It’s not like I did this just to see Kristen Stewart’s breasts or anything like that. I love her. Oop, there I go again.”
Stewart suffered only superficial wounds and a massive creep-out, and is expected to make a full recovery in time for the Twilight follow-up, New Moon.
As for Theriot, the courts will determine his fate, but he says whatever happens, he’ll be all right.
“I’m not too worried about prison. Sure, there are big, tough guys in prison. But if I tell them I’m a vampire, they’ll back off.”