San Francisco Giants Head to Washington Seeking Bailout

December 5, 2008

giants brian sabean testimony

(Washington, DC) – Our nation is facing its most serious economic crisis in decades, and seemingly no one is unaffected. From our financial institutions to our automakers, so many businesses are underwater and need help.

As we enter the busiest part of the baseball offseason, for a few days, it seemed possible that MLB teams would avoid the crisis, with the exception of the Chicago Cubs. But just yesterday, it was revealed that one team is as highly-leveraged and poorly run as the other failing institutions.

According to reports, the San Francisco Giants are nearing bankruptcy, and will head to Washington this weekend to seek a bailout from legislators. The team claims it only has enough to cash to operate through December, and afterward, it will cease to be able to function. Giants general manager Brian Sabean confirmed the team’s dire straights.

“We are a great American baseball team, and we are not asking for a handout,” Sabean read from prepared remarks. “We need a loan, an investment from the American people to continue providing the valuable service we provide: a perennially crummy team that allows team people really like, such as the Los Angeles Dodgers, to always be in the National League West Race.”

But how did the team get to this point?

The team points to a serious of terrible investments that have left it crippled. The team still owes nearly $100 million to semi-pitcher Barry Zito, and spent millions on gigantic hats for Barry Bonds. The team also made poor decisions in investing in ethanol-powered shortstops, complex investment derivatives, and hookers pretty enough to call “girlfriends.”

As expected, American taxpayers are reticent to bailout a team that clearly hasn’t done anything to help itself out in the last decade, and legislators are hearing their calls.

And it will be even more difficult to convince legislators that they’re serious about cutting costs after signing former Chicago Cubs reliever Bobby Howry for $2.75 million.

“Is it less than Howry made last year? Yes. But it’s still $2.75 million more than an armless hobo would have cost, so it’s a net loss.”

Still, Sabean is confident that he’ll secure the bailout funds his team needs, and that he can turn the team around.

“I just want people to think about a world without the San Francisco Giants. If we’re allowed to go under, it will absolutely lead to a depression. Just ask our fans. If there’s anything they know about, it’s depression.”

(A shoutout to my man Bz for the idea for this article. Thanks.)


2 Responses to “San Francisco Giants Head to Washington Seeking Bailout”

  1. Clapp on December 5th, 2008 8:21 pm

    LOL, that photoshop is hilarious. Great blog.

  2. Butcher on December 6th, 2008 10:24 pm

    Nice one. One of my recent faves…

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