Derrick Rose on Stabbing Self: I just wanted be like Plax
December 10, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – The sports world’s history is full of baffling injury stories, from the silly to the downright unbelievable. Be it slipping in the shower, breaking ribs while sneezing, cracking a collarbone while loading deer meat, or suffering a man sprain when the hooker flinches, we’ve all been there.
But now the bizarre injury bug has bit the Chicago Bulls. In fact, he took a big bite out of young star Derrick Rose‘s forearm.
When Rose showed up to practice on Tuesday with 10 stitches and bloody gauze covering his forearm, teammates and the media wondered just what had happened. Rose offered a story that raised more than a few eyebrows.
Rose claimed that he cut his arm while eating apple slices in bed.
When that explanation was met with understandable incredulity, Rose expanded on his embarrassing confession.
“Ok, so yes, I stabbed myself, and it was mostly an accident,” Rose said. “It’s just that, after I heard about my hero Plaxico Burress accidentally shooting himself in the leg, I decided to do it, too.”
“Just look at all the attention he got from it. He went from being an occasionally troublesome scamp to a full-on, front page drama scoop. I thought it was great, and I wanted to show my support, and do a little something like that myself.”
Even if we are to accept that unbelievable explanation, why a knife? Why the arm?
“Well, I would have done it like Plax, but I tried to get a gun, and they were all saying this stuff about a three-day waiting period,” Rose explained. “I knew I just didn’t have that kind of time.”
“I had to at least make sure it was as close to what Plax did as I could. So I had to make myself look like a total jackass, you know, a totally brainless moron. And the best I could do was a really big knife.”
“So I tried to do it just like Plax. I put the knife in my sweatpants waistband, and then tried to stumble to make it fall down my leg. But before it did, I got to thinking. It could slide down right by my [private parts]. I can’t be losing my [man stuff] just to emulate Plax. So I rushed to grab the knife out of my pants, and in my haste, I sliced my arm.”
But what’s next for Rose? How far will he take his modeling after Burress?
“Well, I hear that he’s gonna be going to prison for a while on this. But I’ll do whatever it takes to be just like Plax. Whatever happens to him in prison, I’m going to make sure happens to me, too.”
“Now, I don’t know much about prison, but I just hope he accidentally bangs like 500 super hot prison chicks.”