“We Got Wood” Tee Shirt Vendor Ponders His Future

December 12, 2008

cubs tee shirt vendor

(Chicago, IL) – From the first day he took the mound for the Chicago Cubs, fans knew Kerry Wood was special. Whether it was his blazing fastball, his sharp breaking slider, or his quiet confidence, there was just something about Kerry Wood. We all knew it, and we all knew that no matter what happened, he’d always be a Chicago Cub.

Until one day, he wasn’t.

And boy does it hurt. But it’s hurting local fan Reggie Lloyd perhaps more than most.

When it was announced a couple weeks ago that the Cubs would not be offering Wood arbitration, the writing appeared to be on the wall. Still, fans held out hope that until he actually signed elsewhere, there was a chance he would return. Yesterday Wood signed a two-year deal with the Cleveland Indians, and like most fans, Wrigleyville tee shirt vendor Reggie Lloyd is absolutely distraught.

“Of course I’m sad that Woody is leaving,” Lloyd said Friday morning, holding back tears. “He was the face of the Chicago Cubs, but far more important than that, he is the face of my business!”

Lloyd, 48, is credited with coming up with the slogan, “We got Wood,” and he says he built a tee shirt empire upon it.

“It all happened when I figured out that the word, ‘wood,’ is a euphemism for a man’s erect peep. And it just took off from there,” Lloyd said. “And now, I’m ruined. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a great idea to build my entire business model on one tee shirt, but I’m gonna do what I can to get something new going.”

Lloyd says he’s going to try and create a new hit shirt, but he isn’t crazy about any of his ideas yet.

“I’ve thought about something like ‘We Had Wood,’ or ‘We Lost Wood,’ or even ‘We Can’t Get Anymore Wood.’ But none of those do it for me. I think they’re probably too subtle. I might go with ‘Our Wood is Gone, So Our Female Fans are Unfulfilled.’”

Some of Lloyd’s rejected ideas include, “We Need Viagra to Bring Back Wood,” “Where’s My Wood,” and “Penis Penis Softy-Pants.” He also had an idea that lampooned the often-injured Wood that he now believes he’ll never get to use.

But what about moving on from Kerry Wood? After all, we’re going to have to do it eventually.

“Yeah, I’ve got some ideas, if I have to move on. I got an idea for Rich Harden, something like ‘We Got Harden.’ Does that work? If only his name was Rich Harder. Wait a minute. ‘Dick’ is a short name for Richard, isn’t it? I bet I could come up with something for that. Totally original.”

Lloyd says he also had an idea for a Kosuke Fukudome shirt, but he was told that it was incredibly racist, and had already been done.

“Yeah, I’m struggling. I just hope we sign Russian expatriate Hubert G. Ballzak, because I’ve got a great idea for him. Or that Cuban defector, Carlos Anus.”

For now, Lloyd and the rest of us are stuck with a Cubs team that is missing Kerry Wood. We’ll have to make due, and Lloyd will do his best to do the same. He says he’ll keep trying new tee shirt ideas to replace his ‘We Got Wood’ masterpiece.

“I’ll be ok in the long run, but for now, it’s just a tough time. Let’s just say ‘We Got Kevin Gregg’ has not been a big seller.”


5 Responses to ““We Got Wood” Tee Shirt Vendor Ponders His Future”

  1. Butcher on December 12th, 2008 9:32 am

    Penis Penis Softy-Pants sounds like a winner to me.

  2. chessytwin on December 12th, 2008 11:20 am

    LOL maybe your best ever

  3. Brian on December 14th, 2008 8:51 pm

    I miss Wood already. Love the article though. Good stuff!

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