Sorry Mike Fontenot, There’s No Way Those Are Megan Fox’s Panties
December 17, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – Mike Fontenot is a great hitter. A versatile fielder. A good teammate. A scrapper. A friend. A Chicago Cubs fan favorite. Yes, Mike Fontenot is many things.
But a ladies man is not one of them.
That’s why when the diminutive second baseman told teammates that he was dating the world’s hottest woman, Megan Fox, nobody believed him.
Fontenot arrived to an off-season team meeting Saturday with a smile on his face, a spring in his step, and if eyewitness reports are accurate, an unnecessary cup in his Levi’s.
When teammates confronted the normally glum Fontenot about his chipper disposition, his explanation was surprising to say the least.
“He said he had a new girlfriend,” Ryan Theriot said. “And I’ve seen the girls he usually dates. No one would smile about those hog beasts. So I knew something was different. And that’s when he said he was dating Megan Fox.”
Yes, that Megan Fox. International superstar and biologically-impossibly hot Megan Fox. Fontenot’s teammates were understandably skeptical.
“Look, Mike is a nice guy,” Fontenot’s handsome teammate Mark DeRosa said, “but I mean. How do I say this? You ever see that movie ‘Gremlins’? No, no, I’m not saying he looks like a Gremlin. But, well, you know that little guy, Gizmo?”
“I’m not saying he doesn’t have a girlfriend. And I’m not even saying she isn’t hot. But she isn’t Megan Fox. Making knucklechildren with a Ladies Home Journal featuring an interview with Megan Fox doesn’t make her your girlfriend.”
“I wish he was dating her. I’d make him get me some naked pictures of Megan Fox. And then I’d finally be famous.”
After four or five hours of zingers from teammates, Fontenot had had enough. He stormed out of the clubhouse shouting that he would be back, and he would have proof of his relationship with Megan Fox.
When he came back some 30 minutes later, he stood victoriously, and lifted over his head – so it was eye level for the rest of those in the room – what he claimed was proof of his torrid celebrity love affair: a pair of Megan Fox’s panties.
But from the moment he unveiled his treasure, there were… irregularities.
“Look, all I’m saying,” said DeRosa, “is if you’re going to claim you’re have a pair of Megan Fox’s panties, you should probably make sure they’re like, a lacy number or a thong. Not a pair of Hanes Her Way. Oh, and clean. Make sure they’re clean.”
“And I don’t know where he got those, but he got them fast. It only took him 30 minutes. Here’s what I know. Megan Fox lives in Los Angeles, a couple thousand miles away. I know what you’re thinking, maybe he had them at his place. Well, Mike lives way up North, approximately 45 minutes from Wrigley Field.”
“Mike’s mom lives about four blocks away. I’m just saying. You do the math.”