New Children’s Book “Where’s Soriano” Not Exactly This Year’s Tickle Me Elmo

December 19, 2008

(Chicago, IL) – Each year there is a special toy that every kid has to have for Christmas. They fly off the shelves leaving parents desperate and struggling to satisfy their child’s requests.

This year, we’re not quite sure what that special item is. But we know what it’s not. It isn’t the new book, “Where’s Soriano?” from Chicago Cubs Publishing.

After the recent dislocations in the market, the cash-strapped Cubs were looking for a way to raise new capital to support free agent signings. Thus, Chicago Cubs Publishing was born, and they quickly scrambled to take advantage of the holiday shopping season.

Their first idea was a children’s book called “Where’s Soriano?” In the book, Cubs left fielder Alfonso Soriano is hidden in pictures, and readers are asked to answer the question for each picture: where is Alfonso Soriano? The team’s publishing unit claims this is a totally original idea and is not based on anything they’ve ever heard of.

After front-loading $37 million in production costs, the Cubs released the book last week.

It was not well-received.

“Yeah, of course I’m disappointed,” Soriano said regarding slow – if at all existent – sales. “I’m getting a cut of the sales, and I need that money. Injuries could pop up at any time, and $120 million doesn’t go as far as it used to.”

But why has the book been so unsuccessful? After all, it’s a time-tested idea with a Cubs spin. It should be just as successful as “Cubs Yatzee,” “Cubs Karaoke,” and “Derrek Lee’s Splendiferous Juicer and Rotisserie Grill.”

Perhaps the answer lies inside the book.

“In retrospect, we may have made Soriano a little too easy to find,” Cubs General Manager/Publishing Director Jim Hendry said. “We just wanted everyone who read the book to feel like a champion, but we probably didn’t give our readers enough credit. Actually. God. In some of the pictures, we just weren’t trying.”

So what lies ahead for the failed book and the struggling publishing division? Well Hendry has a plan, and remains optimistic.

“We’re going to superimpose Ozzie Guillen’s face onto Soriano, and re-release the book as ‘Where’s Ozzie?’ for White Sox fans,” Hendry said. “The typical Sox fan might find it pretty challenging, but that’ll be the fun for them. It’ll be like one of those ‘Magic Eye’ posters. One Sox fan might finally find Ozzie, and the others will say, ‘No way man, I don’t see him,’ and it’ll just be a raucous good time”

“You know, before the violence inevitably breaks out. But by then, we’ll already have their $23.99 plus tax.”


2 Responses to “New Children’s Book “Where’s Soriano” Not Exactly This Year’s Tickle Me Elmo”

  1. Sabretooth on December 19th, 2008 11:04 am

    those pictures are crackin me up.

  2. Arrested » Blog Archive » book with kids pictures elmo on June 8th, 2011 2:27 pm

    [...] New Children's Book “Where's Soriano” Not Exactly This Year's … Dec 19, 2008 … Their first idea was a children's book called “Where's Soriano? … Children's Book “Where's Soriano” Not Exactly This Year's Tickle Me Elmo” … those pictures are crackin me up. … [...]

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