On Verge of Winless Season, Lions Face Mercury Morris Rap

December 22, 2008

(Detroit, MI) – It’s no secret that the city of Detroit has had a terrible year. Jobs are scare. The American automobile industry is on the verge of collapse.

And the Detroit Lions are 0-15.

With one more loss, the city of Detroit’s misery in 2008 will be complete. And the team will have done something just one other team managed to “accomplish”: a perfectly winless season.

Just one year ago at this time, another team was on the verge of an historic season. The New England Patriots were 15-0 and on the verge of becoming just the second team to finish the NFL regular season undefeated. They were poised to join the 1972 Miami Dolphins in that regard, but there was one man standing in their way.

Mercury Morris.

Morris, a running back for those ’72 Dolphins, opposed the Patriots at every turn. Criticizing the team in talk shows, super markets, churches, soup kitches, and in conversations with invisible world leaders, Morris clearly wanted no other team to join his Dolphins in perfection. He even crafted a Grammy-nominated rap called “Do You Wonder,” calling out the Patriots as “busters,” who would not go undefeated.

Flash forward one year, and Morris is back. This time, he’s directing his hip hop ire at the Detroit Lions, on behalf of the only team in NFL history to accomplish what the Lions are seeking next week: the winless 1976 Tampa Bay Buccanneers.

Morris is slated for an interview on ESPN’s Sportscenter Monday afternoon, where he is expected to unveil his fierce rap attacking the almost perfectly winless Lions. Fortunately – or unfortunately – we have secured an advance copy.

The name’s Mercury Morris and I ain’t malevolent,

But I’ll do whatever I can to stay remotely relevant.

This rap is goin’ out to Detroit Rock City.

I want them bustas to know they ain’t perfectly shitty.

Yeah them Lions are bad and they’ve lost fifteen,

But it takes one more to be ugly pageant queen.

You think you got what it takes to make a season’s worth of mistakes?

You bustas gonna learn you only get what you earn.

It takes lots of effort to lose them all; or maybe lack of effort and Crisco on the ball.

Don’t throw to Calvin Johnson, he’s too dang good.

Don’t play any defense like a good team would.

But no matter how you try, you ain’t as bad as them Bucs,

You’ll never be the team that perfectly sucks.

I’ll admit, signing Daunte Caulpepper was a pretty good start,

Though repeated hand-offs to Rudi Johnson was the impressive part.

But in the end my friend it isn’t enough,

‘Cause in the end my friend you were just too tough.

Maybe next year you’ll be a perfect underachiever.

Just make sure in the first round, you draft another receiver.

You need to understand losing isn’t as easy as it seems,

By the way did I mention I was on an undefeated team?

Anyway what I’m saying is you’re gonna win one game.

Ask me again, and I’ll tell you the same.

Sure you’re 0-15 but the embarrassing part is,

You just got faced by some pathetic wannabe hip hop artist.

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