Jim Hendry Asks for Jake Peavy for Christmas – Result is Humorous, Disasterous
December 24, 2008
(Chicago, IL) – It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Christmastime. It’s a time for carols, hot cocoa, candy canes, and Christmas parties. It’s also a time for giving and receiving thoughtful gifts that try to capture just what the other person was looking for.
Chicago Cubs general manager Jim Hendry was looking forward to Christmas. But when he told friends and family what he really wanted for Christmas, he probably could have phrased it a bit more artfully.
At a holiday gathering last week, with his closest friends and family members looking on, Hendry recounted an exciting, but ultimately disappointing year for his Cubs. And then someone asked what Jim would want for Christmas, considering how things turned out. With eggnog in hand, Hendry said something he’d later regret.
“Gosh, if I could have anything for Christmas this year, it would probably be Jake Peavy. Wrapped up all nice and tight with a pretty bow on top.”
Anyone with a lick of sense – or anyone who had seen National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – would have known Hendry wasn’t speaking literally. But unfortunately for everyone, Hendry’s friend and former Cubs manager Dusty Baker was in attendance, and common sense is not his specialty.
“We calculate that Mr. Peavy died sometime between Monday evening and the early hours of Tuesday morning,” Chicago detective Trevor Riesen said. “According to Mr. Baker’s statement, he drove to Mr. Peavy’s house following a weekend holiday party, lured Mr. Peavy into his car with the promise of delicious candy, and then proceeded to wrap him up like a giant present.”
Hendry was disconsolate about the disaster.
“I just feel horrible, and I can’t stop crying” Hendry said. “I really wanted Jake Peavy to pitch for the Cubs. Now what the hell am I supposed to do?”
For his part, Baker feels regret for the misunderstanding.
“I just wanted to get the perfect present for my friend, Jim, who stood by me year after year and decision after decision, when it would have been clear to a brainless hog that I was a disaster of a manager,” Baker confessed. “The real shame is that death probably could have been avoided with a small airhole or two.”
“Well, that, and if I hadn’t beat him unconscious with a tire iron, folded his body in half to fit in the box, and then shipped him via FedEx with a stamp on the box that said, ‘Don’t Bother Handling With Care.’ God, if only. Maybe, just maybe this disaster was avoidable.”