Ronny Cedeno Starting to Suspect Cubs Aren’t Really Taking Him to the Park

January 30, 2009

ronny cedeno scared

(Seattle, WA) – The Chicago Cubs continued their fast-paced offseason this week, trading Ronny Cedeno and Garrett Olson to the Seattle Mariners for Aaron Heilman. The Cubs were looking to add another pitcher capable of starting and relieving, and Heilman fills that role.

But it was a bittersweet move, as it parted Cedeno from the only team he’s ever known. And when it came to telling Cedeno that he had to go, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry had some trouble. Read more

Lou Piniella Spends Offseason With Adopted Inner-City Black Child

January 28, 2009

lou piniella and webster

(Chicago, IL) – This offseason for the Cubs has been filled with rumors about Jake Peavy, big trades, and even a new owner. But even in the busiest of offseasons, there is still a lot of time to fill for those in the employ of Major League Baseball teams.

That’s why Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella decided to give back this offseason, and do what all old, rich, white men should do: he adopted an adorable, inner-city African American child.

Read more

Ronnie “Woo Woo” Wickers Genuinely Surprised the Tribune Company Rejected His $4 Offer for the Cubs

January 26, 2009

Ronnie Woo Woo Cubs

(Chicago, IL) – Last week the current owner of the Chicago Cubs, the Tribune Company, finally announced that they had selected a winner of the bidding process to purchase the team: Tom Ricketts, whose family owns discount brokerage TD Ameritrade.

While most Cubs fans are thrilled to have Ricketts, a self-professed fan of the team, running the show, some can’t help but feel left out in the cold. That’s because their efforts to purchase the Cubs came up just a little bit short. Read more

Teammates Question Geovany Soto’s Sincerity in Watching President “Orama’s” Innauguration

January 23, 2009

obama oath

(Chicago, IL) – On Tuesday, the nation welcomed its 44th President, Barack Obama. Some two million people took in his inauguration in Washington, D.C., and countless other millions took it in live on television.

Many of the Chicago Cubs joined in, watching the ceremony and celebration together in Chicago. The inauguration took place during a mandatory workout session, but the coaches were happy to allow those who truly cared about seeing the historical moment to miss the workout. Read more

Cubs Trade Felix Pie’s Twisted Testicle and PTBNL to Orioles

January 20, 2009

felix pie

(Baltimore, MD) – The Chicago Cubs have had an exceptionally active offseason.

They’ve traded Mark DeRosa (and his hot wife), signed Milton Bradley, traded Jason Marquis, let Kerry Wood walk. As busy as they’ve been, they hadn’t yet made a move that made the pundits scratch their head. All the moves, though difficult, seemed designed to give the 2009 Cubs the best chance to win.

But then on Sunday, the team made a move that’s both hard to understand and hard to explain. Read more

Cubs Convention-Goers Passionately Await Joey Gathright Introduction

January 16, 2009

joey gathright fans

(Chicago, IL) – The annual Cubs Convention kicks off today, and takes place through the weekend. Cubs fans get a chance to see and hear from players, coaches and management. And if they’re lucky, they may even get to meet a star or two.

And if they’re really, really lucky, they may get to see one jump a car. Read more

Cubs Caravan Attacked by Sand People

January 14, 2009

cubs caravan

(Chicago, IL) – There is a popular misconception floating around that the “Cubs Caravan,” an event that takes place during the week leading up the Cubs Convention, is simply a cute way to describe a group of the Cubs players and staff going to schools, neighborhoods, and communities offering themselves up for a meet and greet – traveling together as in a “caravan,” if you will.

But in fact, the name is quite literal, and so is the danger that comes with traveling in a caravan across the treacherous and dusty plains of Illinois and Indiana. And this year, that danger was realized. Read more

Drew Gooden Replacing Ben Wallace By Growing Afro on Chin

January 12, 2009

(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Bulls are languishing through a painful first half of the season, struggling to stay within striking distance of .500.  The Bulls simply don’t have the talent to compete this year, and some commentators openly wonder whether the team dug itself a hole with some of the moves they’ve made over the past year.

One such deal sent inside man Big Ben Wallace to the Cleveland Cavaliers in February. And the Bulls, folliclularly speaking, have never been the same. Read more

Cubs to Play in First Summer Classic at United Center

January 9, 2009

(Chicago, IL) – Last week, the nation was treated to something very different. The NHL staged a hockey game at Wrigley Field! Outdoors! Isn’t that wacky!?

The third annual Winter Classic took Chicago by storm, as the Chicago Blackhawks played host to the Detroit Red Wings in a specialty rink crafted at Wrigley Field just for this event. So successful was the event that Major League Baseball is looking to try its hand at a zany crossover game. Read more

Jim Hendry on Marquis Trade: Oh Shit, That’s Luis Vizcaino?

January 7, 2009

luis vizcaino

(Chicago, IL) – It’s been a busy offseason already for Chicago Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry. He’s had to make difficult decisions about Cubs free agents like Kerry Wood, and had to work out complex trades like the Mark DeRosa deal. Just yesterday, the Cubs announced that they had traded starter Jason Marquis and cash to the Colorado Rockies for reliever Luis Vizcaino.

With so much going on, it is understandable if Hendry gets a bit confused in some of his dealings.

Though Hendry was pleased to be rid of Marquis’ contract for this year, he was a bit surprised and disappointed at the return. Read more

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