Cubs Teammates Sad to See Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa’s Wives Leave
January 2, 2009
(Cleveland, OH) – There’s been a lot of turnover on the Chicago Cubs already this offseason. The change has come not only in the new arrivals, but also in some guys leaving that many fans thought would never leave. Most notably, Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa.
Teammates were understandably distraught to see them leave, because they have really, really hot wives.
The Cubs decided to let Kerry Wood walk away in free agency, and he subsequently signed with the Cleveland Indians. Then this week, the team traded Mark DeRosa away, also to Cleveland. And the team will never be the same.
“Am I going to miss Kerry’s toughness at the end of the game and Mark’s versatility?” pondered Ryan Theriot. “Of course. But mostly, I’m going to miss their wives’ hot asses. Ok, ok, I’ll miss Mark’s hot ass, too.”
“Yup, I’m sad to see Heidi and Sarah leave, but I love to watch them go. See what I did right there?”
“When I heard the news that Kerry was walking and Mark had been traded, I literally cried,” pitcher Ted Lilly said. “Do you know what their wives wear in the hot Chicago summer? And I need that in my life, man. I’m a busy major league ballplayer. It’s not like I can just get hot chicks to stare at any time I want.”
“I know the guys are upset,” General Manager Jim Hendry said. “But strictly speaking, I only traded Mark to the Indians, and only Kerry signed with the Indians. Sarah and Heidi are free to stay here in Chicago. I can’t, of course, make them stay. Legally.”
For their part, the Indians are very excited at their new additions.
“We’re very excited to add such incredible talents,” Indians General Manager Mark Shapiro said. “Heidi and Sarah are smoking hot. I’m not going to lie. I’m not one hundred percent certain I even know what positions Wood and DeRosa play. We just needed to get some hotties in here to spice things up. I mean. Have you ever been to Cleveland?”