Chicago Cubs Make Difficult New Years’ Resolutions

January 5, 2009

(Chicago, IL) – 2009 is here, and with it comes joy, celebration, and of course, hope.

The year is expected to be one full of hope, ushered in by, among other things, new President Barack Obama. When Obama won victory in November, he took it all in from nowhere else but Chicago. And one has only to step foot into the city to notice that he must have left a little bit of that hope behind when he jetted off for Washington.

That’s why there’s a certain wistfulness in the New Years’ resolutions of all of Cubdom. The players, the coaches, the fans – we’re all so full of hope. So our resolutions might be a bit taller than our grasp.

For example, most Cubs fans resolve to not let themselves get too emotionally involved in the success of the Cubs in 2009 – a lofty, unlikely, and ultimately boring resolution. Fortunately, the resolutions of many favorites Cubs are more interesting.

Derrek Lee resolved that this season, he’ll ground into fewer double plays. He’ll just strike out more.

Carlos Zambrano resolved to lose 30 pounds, and he’ll do it by spitting out the bat heads.

mila kunis breasts

Ted Lilly resolved to have less anonymous sex. From now on, it will be totally nonymous.

Jim Hendry resolved to eat less chili fries… and more chili cheese fries.

After seeing Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Geovany Soto resolved to get Mila Kunis’ phone number, or at least take creepy pictures from her bushes.

Ryan Dempster resolved to “partier heartier,” and “dominate more comedy clubs.”

Ryan Theriot got confused by the question and asked the Wizard for courage.

Aramis Ramirez resolved to fight and eat fewer cocks this year. Delicious, delicious cocks.

Ronny Cedeno resolved to master the letter R this year. Next year, the Q.


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