Drew Gooden Replacing Ben Wallace By Growing Afro on Chin
January 12, 2009
(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Bulls are languishing through a painful first half of the season, struggling to stay within striking distance of .500. The Bulls simply don’t have the talent to compete this year, and some commentators openly wonder whether the team dug itself a hole with some of the moves they’ve made over the past year.
One such deal sent inside man Big Ben Wallace to the Cleveland Cavaliers in February. And the Bulls, folliclularly speaking, have never been the same.
That’s right, the Bulls are missing hair.
Big man Drew Gooden has aptly replaced Wallace’s production in points and rebounds, but when it comes to Wallace’s gigantic hair, no Bull has stepped up.
“We’re scuffling right now,” Derrick Rose said. “We’re scoring enough, making all the right passes. But our serious lack of powerful hair is hampering our ability to do the things we need to do to win. And we’re trying everything. I even canceled my Brazilian wax last week.”
But one Bull is trying his best to step up and replace Ben Wallace’s massive and man afro. Drew Gooden says he’ll do what it takes to help his team. But one has only to glance at Gooden to realize that he is bald.
“I knew I had to replace Big Ben Wallace,” Gooden said. “He was the big man in the middle, and that’s now me. So everything that Ben did – the big hair, the Barbie doll collection, and toenail thing – I had to do it, too. And frankly, I knew I couldn’t grow a fro on my head. I’m so bald, I look like a really tan Mr. Clean.”
“So I did the next best thing. I started growing the fullest, bushiest, stinkiest man beard the world has ever seen.”
So far, Gooden’s effort has been unsuccessful in rejuvenating the Bulls, and some teammates question the wisdom of Gooden’s move.
“I’m not saying he looks bad, I just think he looks kind of ridiculous,” one anonymous teammate said. “I mean, he looks like a bald Gandalf the Grey. Well, or Gandalf the Black. Ooh. Um, was that not ok?”
“He says he’s not going to cut it until we win a championship. Well, fine. But how is he going to play when that thing is down to the floor? Sure, if he trips on it, it’ll be a good laugh. But I want to win, damnit.”