Cubs Trade Felix Pie’s Twisted Testicle and PTBNL to Orioles

January 20, 2009

felix pie

(Baltimore, MD) – The Chicago Cubs have had an exceptionally active offseason.

They’ve traded Mark DeRosa (and his hot wife), signed Milton Bradley, traded Jason Marquis, let Kerry Wood walk. As busy as they’ve been, they hadn’t yet made a move that made the pundits scratch their head. All the moves, though difficult, seemed designed to give the 2009 Cubs the best chance to win.

But then on Sunday, the team made a move that’s both hard to understand and hard to explain.

On Sunday, the Chicago Cubs completed a trade with the Baltimore Orioles for pitchers Garrett Olson and Henry Williamson. In return, the Cubs sent the Orioles a player to be named later, and Felix Pie’s twisted testicle.

“Some people are saying it was a strange trade to make, but it was the right move for us,” Cubs general manager Jim Hendry said. “We can use those pitchers to try and acquire [San Diego Padres pitcher] Jake Peavy. And Felix Pie’s twisted testicle was out of options, and was unlikely to win a starting role in spring training.”

“We’re quite pleased with our return,” Orioles president Andy McPhail said. “It’s not every day you get the opportunity to land a testicle as accomplished as Felix Pie’s. It’s already been in the news for a couple years, and having the ability to just twist, on its own, is really, really impressive.”

The Orioles had reportedly been after Pie’s testicle for more than a year, after previous efforts to acquire Michael Barrett’s exploded testicle from the Cubs proved unsuccessful.

The team will choose their player to be named later from a list of five players by Opening Day to complete the trade. They are largely expected to choose Felix Pie.


2 Responses to “Cubs Trade Felix Pie’s Twisted Testicle and PTBNL to Orioles”

  1. Butcher on January 23rd, 2009 12:43 pm

    Please, please, please stop saying “twisted testicle.” It makes my balls retreat into my abdomen.

  2. Ace on January 24th, 2009 7:03 pm

    Would you prefer pinched scrote?

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