Unable to Lure Jerome Bettis Out of Retirement, Steelers Sign Actual Bus

February 2, 2009

pittsburgh steelers bus

(Tampa, Fla.) – The Pittsburgh Steelers, for the second time since 2005, have won the Super Bowl, beating the Arizona Cardinals in the big game last night, 27-23. It was an exciting, back and forth affair, but in the end, the AFC Champion Steelers were too physical, too powerful, and too much for the Cardinals.

When the Steelers won it all in 2005, they were led by running back Jerome Bettis, nicknamed the Bus for his powerful style. Bettis retired immediately after that Super Bowl victory, but the Steelers never quite got over his absence.

For that reason, when the Steelers clinched a bid to the Super Bowl two weeks ago, the team immediately put out feelers to Bettis.

“We feel good about our ground game,” Steelers coach Mike Tomlin said, “but in short yardage situations, there’s no doubt that we could use a powerful guy to lower the boom like Bettis used to.”

But Bettis would not be persuaded, as he was comfortable in retirement. The Steelers had to scramble for another option.

“Well, we sat in a team meeting, and I remember I kept asking, ‘how can we find someone as good as the Bus?’” Tomlin said. “And it was like a lightning bolt hit all our faces at once. Duh. If we can’t get the Bus, how about a bus?”

So that’s when the Steelers went out and signed East Pittsburgh Preparatory Academy Schoolbus Number Three.

“We were glad to get him when we did. He was being scouted by a few other teams for next season, and also a couple other schools for, well, you know, busing.”

Though the bus got up to speed on the team’s playbook in time for the game yesterday, ultimately he was not of great help. The Steelers were stuffed three times at the goal line, twice when the Cardinals refused to yield at the bus’s extended stop sign.

“The bus signing did not really work out as expected, no,” Tomlin said in a post-game press conference. “It turns out there was some difficult in the quarterback and running back exchange, due to the bus’s lack of hands. And he did really have the power that we saw when we were working him out.”

“Oh, and some of the decisions he made on the field were really questionable. I guess that’s what we get for signing a short bus.”


3 Responses to “Unable to Lure Jerome Bettis Out of Retirement, Steelers Sign Actual Bus”

  1. evanq on February 9th, 2009 11:56 am

    wow this retarded

  2. Ace on February 9th, 2009 7:28 pm

    I like everything about you.

  3. larry balcerzak on November 11th, 2010 11:32 am

    I live in south bend indiana and have been a fan of notre dame and pitt. steelers all my life my all time favorite player is jerome bettis i would love for mr. bettis to sign my steelers jersey or my nd jersey is there anyway this could happen?

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