Teammates Question Ryan Theriot’s Offseason “Workout Regimine”
February 23, 2009
(Mesa, AZ) – The Chicago Cubs showed up to spring training last week rested and ready to take on the world. For most, the rest helps, but only leads to a hunger and drive to win the next year. For some, though, the rest can lead to lethargy and complacency in keeping in shape during the long winter months.
So it is always a bit of a breath-holding-moment when the players finally do show up for camp. Who stayed in shape? Who put on weight? This year, when those questions popped up, they were decidedly focused in one player’s direction.
Cubs shortstop Ryan Theriot showed up to Arizona last week with a look of new-found dedication. And new-found giganticness.
“Yeah, some of the guys look like they really kept up their exercise this year,” manager Lou Piniella said. “Ryan Theriot, in particular, looked excellent, I must say.”
Teammates, though, think Theriot looks a little too good to believe.
“He says it’s due to a specialed regimine of push ups and jumping jacks, but I think there’s a chance that it’s more than that,” Derrek Lee said. “He’s so ripply and bulgy. He looks like a greased up pine cone.”
Aramis Ramirez agreed.
“How can I say it? He looked different, you know. So abnormally huge and muscular. Borderline unrecognizeable. Well, I guess the small penis and shrunken testicles were recognizeable.”
But Piniella and General Manager Jim Hendry wish the players would lay off Theriot.
“Look, I mean, a guy works hard during the offseason, and puts on a little muscle, and this is how he’s rewarded?” Hendry said. “I think we should congratulate him on what he’s accomplished. And if it results in greater success for the Chicago Cubs, well, then that’s great.”
“I don’t think there should automatically be this suspicion just because of the whole Alex Rodriguez thing. Sometimes guys leave in October, and come back in Februrary having added 130 pounds of pure, lean muscle, and they did it naturally. And sometimes extreme back acne, hair and tooth loss, and fits of terrifying violence are just a coincidence.”