Carlos Marmol Taking Closer Decision Like a Man – A Man With A Lot of Dog Poo

March 31, 2009

(Mesa, AZ) – The final pieces of the 2009 Chicago Cubs are coming into place. Perhaps the biggest remaining question was answered this weekend when manager Lou Piniella named Kevin Gregg the Cubs’ closer over ace set-up man Carlos Marmol.

Gregg has a successful history of closing, and Piniella felt Marmol was better utilized in the set-up role. Marmol has been vocal in expressing his disappointment over the decision, but from all accounts is taking it like a man.

“Everybody loves Carlos and knows he’s a great pitcher,” Gregg said. “So it isn’t about that. It’s just about what roles are best for the team, and I think Carlos understands that. I know he’s sad, but he was really big about it when he heard the news. He came up to me and said, ‘Kevin, I congratulate you.’ He extended his hand like a man, and I shook it. That’s when I noticed the smell.”

Gregg says there was a discernable odor clinging to his hand after the shake.

“At first I thought maybe I was having a wiping problem, but the smell was much more feral. Like processed Iams. It was clearly dog feces.”

Other teammates say they, too, have noticed Marmol’s odd response to the closer decision.

“He seemed pretty adult about it,” catcher Geovany Soto said Monday. “He thanked Lou [Piniella] for the consideration, and walked off. But then he came back and I’m fairly certain he was placing animal excrement in Lou’s coffee cup. I would have said something, but Lou got to the cup first. He said he loved hazelnut.”

“And that was before he got really out of control,” Soto continued. “You’ve all seen the way Carlos can, um, throw a baseball? Well, let’s just say he gave new meaning to the term ‘nasty slider.’”

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