Dustin Pedroia “Just Being Manny”

April 16, 2009

(Boston, MA) – The 2009 baseball season is up and kicking, and although interesting stories abound, none seems to capture the national imagination more than anything and everything about Manny Ramirez. From his bizarre exit from Boston last year, to his will-he-won’t-he sign with Los Angeles, folks just can’t seem to get enough of Manny’s antics.

Of course, Red Sox fans were mildly relieved to see his tiresome act ride off into the sunset, and his performance was ably replaced by a new MVP-calibre player: second baseman Dustin Pedroia.

But unfortunately for them, Manny’s baseball production wasn’t the only thing that Dusty Pedroia replaced.

“I’d say it was mid-September when the unpleasantness started,” Red Sox clubhouse attendant Harry Port said. “Dustin came into the clubhouse in the fourth inning of a game against the Orioles, and instead of urinating in the toilet, he urinated in my pocket.”

“I shouted, ‘Dustin, what the heck are you doing,’ but he just kept going. It was like someone had poked a little hole in a 40 gallon drum of apple juice. And when he was done, he looked at me and said, ‘Don’t be mad. That’s just Dustin being Manny.’”

Pedroia’s strange behavior deteriorated rapidly from there, culminating in a $40,000 transformation of his MVP trophy into a spinning, diamond necklace. And it hasn’t stopped with the new season.

“It’s a real chore to deal with Pedroia now,” manager Terry Francona said. “He comes and goes as he pleases, makes hilarious but frustratingly ridiculous plays in the field. He keeps saying he’s ‘just being Manny,’ but that’s only going to be sort of funny for so long.”

“He’s decided to sit out for a week due to a bout with lactose intolerance, but I don’t think he really has it. Hell, I don’t think he really understands what it is. He said he’s sick and tired of all the bigotry and intolerance hurled at the Lactoids, and he’ll sit out until it’s remedied. And then he ate a little baggy of fingernails.”

“And I don’t know if it’s some kind of MLB baseball betting or some other kind of sports betting online, but it’s pretty clear that he’s been fixing games. Dropping pop flies, not running plays out. And the other day he was intentionally walked, but he told the umpire the pitches were clearly strikes and he sat back down.”

For his part, Manny has been trying to clean up his act in his new home, Los Angeles.

“I’ve been good, for sure,” Manny said earlier this week. “No antics, and at least 50 percent fewer shenanigans. And on Sunday, a fan sent me her cat, asking me to dress it up in a Dodger uniform and let it play a few innings in left field in my place. I only let it play one inning. I’m getting better.”


2 Responses to “Dustin Pedroia “Just Being Manny””

  1. Josh on May 5th, 2009 2:40 am

    Almost a month later and I’m still chuckling over the “Dustin being Manny” line.

  2. Ace on May 5th, 2009 7:15 pm

    Thanks, Josh. That one was in the can for a long time. Waiting.

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