Cubs Dugout Gatorade Machine: I Never Should Have Slept With Zambrano’s Wife
May 27, 2009
(Chicago, IL) – In just three days, the Chicago Cubs dugout has seen its share of tantrums. On Monday, it was starting pitcher Ryan Dempster who blew up after a poor performance and took it out on various dugout equipment, including the team’s Gatorade machine.
It seemed an isolated, and random attack until earlier today, when pitcher Carlos Zambrano, angry at a blown call and subsequent ejection, took out his anger on the very same Gatorade machine.
Clearly, something larger was at play.
Discussing the attacks with reporters from an undisclosed North Side hospital, the Cubs Gatorade machine confessed that the attacks were probably not the random outbursts of rage directed at an inanimate object that they seemed.
“I can’t hide my role in these attacks,” the machine said, struggling to breathe with a tube inserted into its coin slot. “Last winter, I got really drunk at a Cubs holiday party, and I let a young woman take me home. One thing led to another, and we were intimate. Which, frankly, was a bit difficult, given that we’re both innies. But that’s neither here nor there.”
“It was the next day before I realized the woman was Carlos Zambrano’s wife. I hoped he would never find out, but obviously that was naive.”
But what about the Dempster attack?
“Well, I’m not one hundred percent on it, but I have some theories,” the machine went on. “Let’s just say, Ryan Dempster can’t take a joke as well as he can give it. And if he orders Gatorade Frost, don’t give him a cup full of cold squirrel poop.”