Chicago Cubs: “Actually, we were scouting Pedro’s midget friend”

June 25, 2009

(Santa Louisa, D.R.) – This Major League Baseball season has been unusual in a number of regards, but one notable oddity is the number of players that remain unsigned, even as we approach July.

One such player still looking for a job is former Cy Young winner and superstar pitcher Pedro Martinez. Recently, several teams headed to the Dominican Republic to scout Martinez, and scouts for the Chicago Cubs made the trip as well.

But they’re now uncomfortably admitting that they weren’t there to scout Pedro.“It was pretty awkward when Pedro came up to us like the oldest kid at the orphanage,” general manager Jim Hendry said of the trip. “We didn’t know how to tell Pedro that we weren’t there to scout him. No, seriously. We literally have no one on staff who speaks Spanish. I guess it’s something of an oversight, and probably would have helped back in the Sammy Sosa days.”

They were there, Hendry says, to scout Pedro Martinez’s famous midget friend, Nelson de la Rosa.

“We don’t need pitching,” Hendry explained. “We need offense, and there’s nothing  more offensive than signing a primordial dwarf and sticking him in a sleeping Lou Piniella’s pocket just to see what happens.”

(Lou mistook him for an evil garden gnome, in case you were wondering.)

At every level, the Cubs agree that signing De la Rosa would be better for the club than Martinez.

“You want to talk about plate discipline,” the Cubs new hitting coach Von Joshua said of De la Rosa. “I dare you to throw a strike to that guy.”

For his part, De la Rosa is excited by the chance to be a Chicago Cub.

“This is a dream come true,” De la Rosa said after disappearing momentarily behind a passing bumblebee. “It’s also a perfect fit for me. Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot have already said they’ll show me the ropes and how to get drinks from the drinking fountain.”

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