Celebrity Deaths Clearly Taking Toll on Milton Bradley
July 3, 2009
(Chicago, IL) – Last week will forever been known as the week that so many celebrities passed away. Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and Billy Mays all left us. And no one is hurting more than Chicago Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley.
Bradley had a difficult week, getting into a fiery argument with manager Lou Piniella, getting kicked out of a game, and facing the anger of teammates. But what Bradley wasn’t prepared to admit until today: those celebrity deaths are what’s making him crazy. This week, at least.
“Yes, ok, it’s getting to me,” Bradley confessed as his eyes welled with tears. “I loved all four of those celebrities. Ed McMahon was my favorite sidekick. Farah [Fawcett] was my favorite pin-up. Billy Mays was my favorite pitch man. And Michael Jackson was my favorite singer slash songwriter slash pedophile.”
“I’m just trying to deal with it in my own way, and the blinding rage is just a side effect,” he explained. “But it’s not all anger. A few days ago, I wore a single, sequined glove during a game against the Pirates. But, well, it was under my baseball glove. So you didn’t see it.”
Bradley says losing Farah Fawcett was particularly difficult.
“When I was coming up, she was it. She was the hotty. And of course I had the famous poster. It was on my wall when I was young, and it was on my wall until the day she died.”
“Why did I take it down? Well, it’s a bit awkward. But, you know, I used to, well, use that poster all the time. And it was great because there was still a chance, just a chance that I could actually get with her. It enhanced the fantasy. And then died, which was incredibly sad, and, well. You know. Same thing with Ed McMahon.”
Though the three were perhaps the larger celebrity deaths, Bradley says it was the fourth that put him over the edge.
“When Billy passed, so suddenly, I was beside myself. I still am. I mean, what am I supposed to believe in now? The Sham Wow guy? I don’t care what he says. I’ll never love his nuts. At least not as much as Billy’s.”
“If not for Billy and his Oxiclean, I never would have gotten out those coffee, soda, ground-in dirt, wine, and hooker urine stains.”