Jake Peavy Accepts Trade to White Sox, Reluctantly Agrees to Requisite Lobotomy
August 1, 2009
(Chicago, IL) – The Major League Baseball trade deadline has come and gone, and the most shocking move of all was the trade of San Diego Padres ace Jake Peavy to the Chicago White Sox.
It was shocking not only because rumors of a trade involving Peavy – who is currently injured – had died down significantly, but also because Peavy had already rejected a trade to the Chicago White Sox earlier this year. It was surprise to both sides that Peavy had changed his mind, and would agree to a trade to the Sox – and the mandatory full-frontal lobotomy that accompanies a successful transition to the Chicago White Sox.“I’ll admit, when the Padres first tried to trade me to the White Sox, I wasn’t thrilled about it,” Peavy said yesterday when the trade was announced. “And, yes, I did use my no-trade clause to reject the trade. At the time, I just didn’t feel like it was the right move for me and my career to play for the White Sox, and you know, be forcibly made retarded. But now I’m open to it.”
“You look at the White Sox players, and yeah, they’re ugly. They drool. I’m fairly certain that several can’t read. But you know what? They sure look happy. I’m scared, but I’m ready to try it.”
The procedure, commonly known as AJ Pierzynski Surgery after the catcher who made the procedure famous, involves a removal of the frontal lobe – the speech, class, dignity, and hygeine center of the brain. It is designed to ease the transition of a new player into the unique culture of the Chicago White Sox. And from the looks of it, it works.
This morning, following his procedure, Peavy was in much better spirits about his new team.
“I like me um Sox for Ozzie. Die tell you Cubs suck? I pitch to AJ he friend mine. [wipes drool from chin] Put me on the board yes.”