Cedric Benson Really Shows Bears – That He Was a Lazy Douche in Chicago

October 26, 2009

(Cincinnati, OH) – As his new team, the surprising Cincinnati Bengals, jumped all over his old team in a 45-10 drubbing, running back Cedric Benson could only smile.

It had been a long road for the formerly troubled back out of Texas. Drafted in the first round with lofty expectations, Benson was never able to put it all together in Chicago after a rookie year holdout, minor but troublesome injuries, and off-the-field incidents.

But he stood on the sidelines Sunday with his new team, glaring over at the team that let him go the year before. Yes, he thought. I just showed them. Showed them all the talent I have but was far too lazy and cantankerous to use for them. Read more

Michael Jordan Spends 35 Minutes Explaining to Grocery Clerk Why He Wouldn’t Want to be Him

October 15, 2009

(Chicago, IL) – Chicago Bulls fans will always remember Michael Jordan as the greatest basketball player of all time. In fact, most basketball fans will remember him that way.

That’s particularly true after Michael Jordan’s perplexing and self-aggrandizing Hall of Fame induction speech last month. For more than a dozen rambling, pomp-filled minutes, Jordan reminded all in attendance of just how awesome his was at basketball. It was bizarre, but at least it eventually ended, and faded from memory.

But for Tim Crossley, a clerk at Central Grocery, Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech feels like it just happened yesterday. Because it did. To him. Read more