Michael Jordan Spends 35 Minutes Explaining to Grocery Clerk Why He Wouldn’t Want to be Him

October 15, 2009

(Chicago, IL) – Chicago Bulls fans will always remember Michael Jordan as the greatest basketball player of all time. In fact, most basketball fans will remember him that way.

That’s particularly true after Michael Jordan’s perplexing and self-aggrandizing Hall of Fame induction speech last month. For more than a dozen rambling, pomp-filled minutes, Jordan reminded all in attendance of just how awesome his was at basketball. It was bizarre, but at least it eventually ended, and faded from memory.

But for Tim Crossley, a clerk at Central Grocery, Jordan’s Hall of Fame speech feels like it just happened yesterday. Because it did. To him.“It was crazy,” Crossley recalled from the break room. “First of all, just seeing Michael Jordan in here was amazing. And I was thrilled to check him out. But then he started talking about how great he was at basketball, and asked me if I liked his rings. He said it had to be pretty hard to be me, compared to him.”

Crossley said Jordan instructed him, shot by shot, on how he managed to dominate the ’90s. “You might be able to win one MVP, kid,” Crossley recalls Jordan saying. “But you won’t win five.”

The disheartening exchanged went on much longer than it took for Crossley to scan Jordan’s two items: shaving cream, and a package of disposable lady’s razors.

“And at some point, he wasn’t really explaining why it would be hard to follow in his footsteps anymore,” Crossley went on. “He was just kind of, you know, telling me repeatedly how crappy my life is relative to his. And I get that. Before I came in to work today I had to dislodge a Teddy Graham from my slightly overweight mother’s lower back. No one is disputing you, Michael.”

Concluding that “it was a mistake for you to check out those people in front of” him, Jordan finally left after ostentatiously paying with a $1,000 bill. Crossley, who could not make change for the unnecessarily large unit of currency, sprinted out of the store in a vain effort to keep the money.

“He may be in his late ’40s, but the guy caught me pretty quickly,” Crossley said. “He palmed my head. Asked me if Magic could do that. He only let go because I peed a little bit.”

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