Matt Holliday Unsuccessfully Tries to Catch Remote with Groin

November 7, 2009

(St. Louis, MO) – The 2009 baseball season is finally behind us, the playoffs and World Series having concluded this week. This year’s effort was full of tremendous plays and indelible memories. For Cubs and Cardinals fans alike, one such memory, imprinted on our brains, is the picture of Cardinals outfielder Matt Holiday dropping a crucial fly ball in game 2 of the NLDS.

The fly ball, as if drawn by a higher power, somehow avoided Holliday’s extended glove, and planted itself squarely into Holliday’s groin. It was as if America’s Funniest Home Videos was filming on location. And now, Holliday says, it’s gotten worse.

“Look, I feel terrible about that play,” Holliday said of the groin drop. “It was one of those spur of the moment decisions. Glove or groin? Glove or groin? Obviously in retrospect, I should have gone with glove. But I really thought I could snatch that ball with my highly evolved pubis, and if I did, it would crush the Dodgers’ spirit.”

Holliday says the attempted groin catches neither began nor ended with the playoff gaffe.

“I’ve always tried to catch stuff with my crotch. I guess it started when I was a baton twirler in the marching band,” Holliday explained. “And as I grew older, my attempts grew more exotic. Footballs, frisbees, a sports book, wild birds, watermelons. I had gotten pretty good. Heck, I even once caught the flu with my groin. Don’t worry, it wasn’t the swine flu. I would never let a pig down there. Probably.”

“So I was confident I could pull it off in the playoffs. And when it didn’t happen, I was really distraught. I haven’t felt like myself since then.”

Holliday says he’s been trying to get the crotch magic back.

“I’ve tried to catch everything in the world with my man sack, but it just isn’t working. My wife tossed me the remote control the other night, and I just couldn’t catch it with my groin. I did hit the channel button, though. Of course, it wound up on Lifetime, but I didn’t have the spirit to change it.”

But Holliday says he’s had plenty of chances to get back on the horse, so to speak.

“Yeah, I mean, I’m getting plenty of opportunities to catch stuff with my groin lately. It just seems like, ever since the playoffs, balls keep flying at my crotch. That came out wrong. What I’m saying is that, lately, my sack is like a magnet for other guys’ balls. No. No. That’s not right either. Stuff just keeps coming at my groin.”

As a free agent, Holliday is looking forward to taking his schtick elsewhere.

“Maybe New York,” Holliday guessed. “I could see myself there. Or maybe Philadelphia. I hear they throw batteries.”

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One Response to “Matt Holliday Unsuccessfully Tries to Catch Remote with Groin”

  1. Marissa Roman on April 15th, 2011 11:40 pm

    This was stupid, I hate the cubs, and Holliday is better than anyone on your team. Go cards!!

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