Eager to Return to Relevance, Sammy Sosa Repeatedly Crashes Car into Hydrant, Tree
December 6, 2009
(Porta Rosa, D.R.) – It was not that long ago that Sammy Sosa was the most famous player on the Chicago Cubs, if not in all of baseball. His big arms, long home runs and winning smile captivated fans.
But after diminished performance, steroid allegations, and a boombox incident sapped Sosa of his fame in Chicago, the man has toiled in relative obscurity. That doesn’t mean he’s not still trying to get back in the limelight.
This weekend, Sosa was involved in a one-car accident outside his home in the Dominican Republic. Authorities say the former slugger was seen pulling out of his driveway, hitting a nearby fire hydrant, and then a small palm tree across the street. Sosa, they say, looked expectantly out the window from his damaged Escalade, and, seeing no response, backed the SUV up. Again, Sosa pulled aggressively into the tree, this time shouting out of his window.
Sosa repeated the exercise three more times before a neighbor wrestled the golf club Sosa had been holding away from him, and used it to threaten Sosa back onto his own property.
From there, Sosa was heard exclaiming: “Oh, I’m very hurt, but I’m also confused. Why did this happen? Was it a fight? Am I cheating on my wife? You don’t know! It’s all very mysterious and interesting.”
Sosa was cited for failure to maintain control of his vehicle, but the stunt garnered little public attention.
“I’ll just have to keep trying to get my name back out there,” Sosa explained as he recovered from minor injuries. “I tried just cheating on my wife first, but nobody was really interested in that, least of all my wife. Turns out she’s not the jealous type. At least not with me.”
“So otherwise, I just follow the news, you know, and try to do what people are talking about,” Sosa went on. “When steroids were all the rage, I juiced up like an orange grove. That worked for a little while, but eventually it faded. Like my berries.”
“And this year, everyone kept talking about Michael Jackson. I didn’t know much about him, so I looked up some pictures, and figured out that he was some kind transformer, which was also popular this year. But since I couldn’t make myself look like Megan Fox, I thought I would try to transform like Michael Jackson. That Megan Fox idea is next, I guess.”