Randy Wells Concerned to Learn that Carlos Zambrano is His Secret Santa

December 16, 2009


(Chicago, IL) – The holiday season is squarely upon us, and even the Chicago Cubs, coming off a brutally disappointing 2009 season, are full of the Christmas spirit. Among other festivities, the team, as it does every year, is participating in a Secret Santa gift exchange.

Candies and packages tied up with strings – the players truly go all out for each other at this time of year. But not every Cub is excited about giving and receiving gifts. For just as the exchange is an annual tradition, so too is it a tradition that the player receiving gifts from pitcher Carlos Zambrano is bound to be disappointed at best – and terrified at worst.Young Cubs starter Randy Wells drew the short stick this Christmas.

“I’m not trying to look a gift horse in the mouth,” Wells said. “Actually, I’ve been told it’s dangerous to get anywhere near Carlos’ mouth. It’s just that, you know, I’m not sure what to think of his gifts.”

“I mean, it’s already been a bit of an auspicious start,” Wells explained. “My first gift was a card that said a tree has been planted in Venezuela in my name. But then the second gift was a card that said a child has been kidnapped in Venezuela in my name.”

And Wells expects things to get worse.

“I heard that last year he gave Rich Harden a Dean Koontz book and placenta shampoo. Look, nobody appreciates a good placenta shampoo better than me, but Dean Koontz? Really?”

Other gifts Zambrano is said to have given over the years include NASCAR-opoly, a recently-deceased frog, hepatitis, a chocolate-covered Wii, used contact lenses, a subscription to Cracked, three eye-lashes, a Sham-Wow, and a booklet of friend coupons for which every coupon is for one free kiss.


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