Cubs Sign Marisa Miller to be New Center Fielder and Designated Distraction
December 28, 2009
(Chicago, IL) – The offseason has started inauspiciously for the Chicago Cubs. After much ballyhoo surrounding the expected trade of Milton Bradley, the Cubs have done little else to better themselves in advance of the 2010 season.
But Cubs general manager Jim Hendry hopes that will change soon, with the long-awaited addition of a new center fielder. Still, the choice has left many pundits scratching their heads. And adjusting their trousers.
Today, the Cubs announced that they had inked supermodel and ultramega hotty Marisa Miller to a three year, $24 million contract, with the expectation that she will play center field, with Kosuke Fukudome sliding back over to right field to fill the void left by Bradley.
Miller, 31, brings a notable set of assets to the club, but some feel the Cubs may have overpaid given the relatively thin market for her baseball services. In fact, Miller has yet to play an inning of professional baseball, and has not played Wii baseball in over two years.
“Given the leftover crap available in the free agent market, we figured why the heck not,” Hendry explained at the press conference introducing Miller. “At least we can give the fans in the bleachers something nice to look at.”
“And the fact of the matter is, even with all of her baseball-related shortcomings, we still think she’s going to outproduce Rick Ankiel and Scott Podsednik.”
Ultimately, his job is to put the best product on the field, Hendry explained. And he believes that taking the chance that Miller never records an out in the field and never puts the bat on the ball at the plate is worth having that sweet, sweet ass on display. And if things don’t work out for the Chicago Cubs again this year, Hendry believes Miller can serve a special, additional role.
“You know, if things are going bad late in the season, and people are calling for my head, say, maybe she’s tracking down a deep fly ball and, oop, Marisa Miller’s boob pops out. It couldn’t be helped, but what a fun surprise.”
“And then, maybe she’s sliding into third and gets a strawberry. To everyone’s surprise and amazement, Marisa Miller’s butt is on display while she tends to her injury. Of course we’re all concerned for her health, but that doesn’t mean we can’t take a moment to stare.”
“See how that works? These are totally organic bits of nudity. Totally integral to the ball game. We wouldn’t have it any other way.”
In a decision completely unrelated to the Marisa Miller signing, the Cubs have announced a uniform change for the upcoming season. Instead of their traditional pinstripes or blue tops, the team will wear nothing. Fans will be advised to change channels before every Geovany Soto at bat, and to don 3D glasses before every Marisa Miller at bat.