In Light of McGwire Steroid Revelation, Sammy Sosa Admits He Can Speak English

January 16, 2010

(New York, NY) – Folks always suspected that something illicit was behind Mark McGwire’s explosive numbers during his playing days. It was some five years ago when, before Congress and the entire world, Mark McGwire refused to speak about his past, effectively admitting his transgressions. And then this week, McGwire formally admitted to steroid usage during his playing career.

But Mark McGwire was not the only participant at that Congressional hearing who left the Congressmen and national viewers scratching their heads. Former Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa also testified that day, but admitted nothing – indeed discussed almost nothing – deferring with empty, short statements, offered in terribly broken English. Today, Sosa is ready to set the record straight.

“I always knew this day would come,” Sosa began his statement, before media assembled in New York City, without cue cards or so much as a hint of an accent. “It’s time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I can, in fact, speak English very well, and was able to do so throughout my playing career.”

After recounting a damning educational background that included stops at the Phillips Exeter Academy and Harvard, Sosa asked for forgiveness.

“Ultimately, and in retrospect, it was terribly daft of me to believe the great citizens of the United States – nay, the World – could believe that I was so linguistically challenged that I could not appropriately address the powerful and impactful accusations lodged against me. It is my sincere hope and lasting plea that you all find it in your hearts to forgive me for my weaknesses. I am Sammy Sosa, and I speak good English,” Sosa blanched before recovering, and fully coming clean. “That is to say, I speak English well.”

Fielding questions from those in attendance, Sosa addressed other concerns. On the subject of his prodigious power numbers during the steroid era, Sosa offered another admission.

“Yes, I must confess something about my performance in the 1990s and early 2000s. The reason I was able to dramatically increase my power numbers and transform my body into some kind of real world Hulk is because, well, I’m awesome. It’s haunted me for so many years, and it feels good to finally let it all out: my performance was enhanced by my own awesomeness.”


6 Responses to “In Light of McGwire Steroid Revelation, Sammy Sosa Admits He Can Speak English”

  1. Jose on February 16th, 2010 8:08 pm

    Dear all:
    Sammy Soa es un Caballero
    Es nuestra Representacion Hispana
    es el Homeronero de nuestros tiempos, es nuestro idolo latino
    hace obra sociales, cree en su gente y en su equipo de Chicago
    Sami no te deje hacer dano por ningun periodista, por ningun envidioso
    solo quieren hacerte dano
    Sigue paralante que nuestra Fundacion y todos su amigos te queremos mucho

    en representacion de todos lso miembros de la FUANDCION NACIONAL DE AYUDA A LOS BOMBEROS DOMINICANOS (FUNABODO)
    Que Dios te siga bendiciendo mucho


    Jose Abreu

  2. Jose on February 16th, 2010 8:13 pm

    Sammy Sosa Gad bless you and your family, we Fundacion Nacional de Ayuda a los Bomberos Dominicanos, we are with you keep going we will be with you at all time, you are the person in dominican Republic want to be, you are the men from our Island

    Be good and god will be with you


    Fundacion Nacional de Ayuda a los Bomberos Dominicanos (FUNABODO)

  3. George on February 23rd, 2010 11:19 am

    MAn, is sad you put those words on sosa’s mouth. You can get involve on a lawsuit from Sosa’s side, it happened in Dominican Republic already. If u can’t writte something real, then just don’t writte at all.

  4. Ace on February 24th, 2010 9:13 am

    Thanks for the advice, George. Since I can’t write anything real on this site – you know, it being a parody news site and all – I guess I just won’t write anything at all anymore. Goodbye cruel internet world!

  5. Jose Abreu on March 9th, 2010 2:44 pm

    I’m Sorry Mr George, I did somthing woron spell, but what you did inSammy Sosa favor?
    what you can do for your community?
    what are you doing for your self to be a better person?
    when I said those words, I did not check my spell. Sammy Sosa I am very sorry, but not to george, is not his business………….

  6. April 19, 2010 « Eat With Joe on April 21st, 2010 6:20 pm

    [...] League East Pennant in 1989, but that was a happy anomaly. In 1998 though, that all changed. Led by fluent English-speaking outfielder Sammy Sosa, who dueled with Mark McGwire for Babe Ruth’s single-season home run record, the Cubs somehow [...]

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