In Light of McGwire Steroid Revelation, Sammy Sosa Admits He Can Speak English
January 16, 2010
(New York, NY) – Folks always suspected that something illicit was behind Mark McGwire’s explosive numbers during his playing days. It was some five years ago when, before Congress and the entire world, Mark McGwire refused to speak about his past, effectively admitting his transgressions. And then this week, McGwire formally admitted to steroid usage during his playing career.
But Mark McGwire was not the only participant at that Congressional hearing who left the Congressmen and national viewers scratching their heads. Former Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa also testified that day, but admitted nothing – indeed discussed almost nothing – deferring with empty, short statements, offered in terribly broken English. Today, Sosa is ready to set the record straight.
“I always knew this day would come,” Sosa began his statement, before media assembled in New York City, without cue cards or so much as a hint of an accent. “It’s time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I can, in fact, speak English very well, and was able to do so throughout my playing career.”
After recounting a damning educational background that included stops at the Phillips Exeter Academy and Harvard, Sosa asked for forgiveness.
“Ultimately, and in retrospect, it was terribly daft of me to believe the great citizens of the United States – nay, the World – could believe that I was so linguistically challenged that I could not appropriately address the powerful and impactful accusations lodged against me. It is my sincere hope and lasting plea that you all find it in your hearts to forgive me for my weaknesses. I am Sammy Sosa, and I speak good English,” Sosa blanched before recovering, and fully coming clean. “That is to say, I speak English well.”
Fielding questions from those in attendance, Sosa addressed other concerns. On the subject of his prodigious power numbers during the steroid era, Sosa offered another admission.
“Yes, I must confess something about my performance in the 1990s and early 2000s. The reason I was able to dramatically increase my power numbers and transform my body into some kind of real world Hulk is because, well, I’m awesome. It’s haunted me for so many years, and it feels good to finally let it all out: my performance was enhanced by my own awesomeness.”