Carlos Zambrano Tells Fans to Start Calling Him “The Situation”
January 25, 2010
(Chicago, IL) – The Major League Baseball off-season is hitting its strides, and players all over are finding ways to cope with the long stretch of downtime. Some players like to relax and take vacations. Other players begin a workout regimen, ensuring that their bodies are in peak physical condition for the subsequent season.
Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano found a way to combine the two, and was recently on a local radio show touting his new physique and his recent vacation.Zambrano had been out of the limelight for several months before formally returning to the public eye on ESPN 1000′s Waddle and Silvy show last week. Most fans assumed Zambrano was relaxing in his native Caracas, Venezuela, but in fact, Zambrano was somewhere far closer. And crazier. And STD-ier.
“Yeah, man, I’m excited to be back in Chicago, but I’ve really enjoyed my last couple of months in New Jersey,” Zambrano explained while making intermittent smirks and coy gestures, neither of which could be seen on the radio. “I just needed some time away from baseball, to get some digits and creep on some chicks.”
Zambrano managed to stop gelling his hair for a few minutes to continue discussing his time at the beach in New Jersey, and to lift up his shirt no fewer than eleven times during the five minute interview – each time suggesting that “we might have a situation here.”
“Like I said it was a blast, and now that I’m so cut with my sexy six-pack, I’m telling everyone to start calling me The Situation. You know, like, here comes Carlos Zambrano into the game. Look at that six pack. Look at the craziness in his eyes. That’s The Situation. It always is, you know?”
Perhaps most surprising of all, Zambrano says he wasn’t alone in his Jersey shore adventure.
“Yeah, I had some bros that came out with me. Johnny G [reliever John Grabow] came out, and Carlos Marmol. Well, we called him C-Woww. It was tight having the bros out there, and I needed my wing men. Johnny G. had to fall on a couple grenades for me, if you know what I mean. He had to distract large, unattractive friends of the moderately attractive sluts I was banging, if you didn’t know what I meant.”
“But I think the best part was seeing Jeff [Samardzija] dancing it up and doing cartwheels on the boardwalk. Samookie’s thong was everywhere, but he didn’t care. We do what we want at the Jersey shore, you know what I mean?”