Tiger Woods Emerges from Rehab Cured of Sex Addiction – STDs Remain
February 7, 2010
(Jackson, MS) – PGA superstar and questionable husband Tiger Woods has had a rough few months. After being busted by his wife for sexing 15 other women and one guy, Woods disappeared from the public eye while he tries to recover his battered reputation.
Where he was spending that time was something of a mystery until he recently re-emerged from a sex clinic deep in Mississippi, proclaiming that he had been cured. Well, cured of the sex addiction.“I did it,” Woods pronounced at an impromptu press conference at a Jackson Starbucks, next to a Hooters restaurant. “It was a grueling process, but I can say with confidence that I’m basically completely cured of the sex addiction that has plagued my life. If only the process could cure the side effects of so much loving.”
“You can’t bang a metric ton of cocktail waitresses and not get a little touch of something,” Woods explained. “A cold, or mono. Maybe a little lip sore. And, sure, a little AIDS and various other love scars.”
Throughout Woods’ bizarre confession, he remained surprisingly upbeat, saying, “So I got a little AIDS. I’ll be fine. Magic Johnson had AIDS for years and now no one even remembers that.”
But even if Woods really is cured of his addiction, if not a myriad of penis-crackling STDs, everywhere he looks is a cruel reminder of how difficult his struggle against sex addiction will be.
“Yes, I’m cured, but there’s women literally everywhere,” Woods said as he nervously eyed a comely barista. “Like, see her? Ok, yes, I had a little bit of sex with her when you were in the bathroom. But it was just a little bit. It’s hard, you know? I’m still definitely cured, though.”
“Ultimately, it was a good process, and I compliment the sex rehab facility. When you think about it, it just makes so much sense. Take a bunch of sex addicts, stick ‘em under lock and key in a house together, and let them sort it all out. It worked for me.”