Ozzie Guillen’s Twitter Account Clearly Hacked

March 3, 2010

(Chicago, IL) – The baseball world is preparing for the start of Spring Training games, but the biggest news is still coming from off the field.

Last week, it was revealed that Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen had signed up for a Twitter account, and would be tweeting his thoughts throughout the season. Guillen, known for his no-hold’s-barred communication style, promised the experience to be fun and interesting for all of his fans.

But shortly after Guillen signed up, something must have gone wrong. Surely the tweets that started appearing couldn’t actually be coming from Ozzie.

Guillen’s Twitter, which offers an unabashed look at the White Sox manager, has been a nearly incoherent stream of typed diarrhea, featuring such treats – er, tweets – as “My fav you tube video is ced the entertainer on zab judah don’t ever play with matchessss,” and “Dr drew I like you work very very patient guy I wish I have that abilities u have.”

But some people claim Guillen’s Twitter is not what it seems. They claim that someone has taken control of Ozzie’s account.

The group, called Ozzie’s Twitter Was Actually Taken and using an unfortunate acronym therefrom, is a group of professionals and Wal-Mart employees dedicated to finding out the truth behind the embarrassingly awful tweets. Their leader, Thomas Penders of the South Side, says that the fact that they all just happen to be White Sox fans is a coincidence.

“From our forensic analysis,” Penders explained, “we have established that Ozzie Guillen’s Twitter account was hacked approximately one to four minutes after he signed up for Twitter.”

“This is, of course, not based on a scrubbing of actual database information. We can tell from analyzing the account’s tweets. We know Ozzie, and he is an articulate, Wadsworthian, lyrical master. He’s not someone who says things like ‘Eating my favorite food suchi nice palys sakana suchi and grill tell then iam send you hear lol yessss,’ which was posted just a few minutes ago.”

Guillen is more eloquent than other recent tweets – “Let’s doe we all ready to go,” “Iam very bad playing texas holder,” and “mlb network guys awesome job..Harold R…can’t have twitter account bc no one follow u lol” – would suggest, says Penders.

“If you’ve ever spent five minutes with Ozzie, or watched him on TV, then you know he could not be responsible for these tweets. We need to catch the prankster who has done this to Ozzie before the rest of the world starts to get the wrong idea about him.”

Editor’s note: Yes, we usually make up our quotes, but we feel it important to note for this article that the tweets used actually come from Ozzie Guillen’s twitter account. He makes our job easy.


One Response to “Ozzie Guillen’s Twitter Account Clearly Hacked”

  1. Josh on March 4th, 2010 10:48 pm

    Before this, I wasn’t sure there was something that could make me think Ozzie was more of an idiot.

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