New Cub Carlos Silva Ready to Kick Ass, Take Names – Will Start with the Names Part

March 14, 2010

(Mesa, Arizona) – For the most part, the Chicago Cubs sport the same faces as they did last season. There were few departures and few new arrivals, but one of the new guys is hoping to show his teammates that he’s ready to participate at a minimally acceptable level.

New Cubs pitcher Carlos Silva, acquired from the Seattle Mariners in exchange for malcontent Milton Bradley, is fighting for a spot in the rotation, and he says this is the year that he’ll kick some ass. Maybe.“I don’t think anyone is as motivated as me,” Silva explained from the safety and comfort of his personal accessibility cart, otherwise known as a¬†Hover-round. “I can say that truthfully, because my motivation, as evidenced by my arrival to camp dreadfully out of shape and overweight, is so very low that no one here can possible match that level of motivation. The guy selling churros is more motivated than me. Ooh, hey, churros.”

Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella expressed his disappointment a couple of weeks ago with Silva arrived to Cubs camp out of shape, having believed that surely someone who’d had such a disastrous previous two seasons would come with something to prove.

“I just assumed that, given how bad [Silva] was in Seattle, he’d come ready to make a serious impression on us,” Piniella explained. “And it turns out he was¬†looking to make an impression. On the Earth. When he walks.”

Critics be damned, says Silva. He just wants to play ball.

“I came to camp ready to play some baseball,” Silva said. “I can make no comments as to how well I’ll play, given that the baseball regularly sinks into my gelatinous hands when I pick it up, but I’m ready to play. That was a long sentence. Hold on. I have to catch my breath.”

Silva says his offseason workout program consisted of some intense sitting sessions, towel drills (Silva uses a towel on a stick to bathe), and heavy blinking. He will continue in his quest to claim a rotation spot later this week, after he finishes a series of naps.


One Response to “New Cub Carlos Silva Ready to Kick Ass, Take Names – Will Start with the Names Part”

  1. givejonadollar on March 30th, 2010 9:48 pm

    I think Silva might surprise some people. Especially if he keeps that ball low and has good control. He could be our Jason Marquis type.

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