Man Stalking Cubs is Probably Kevin Millar

April 6, 2010

derrek-lee-bushes-millar

(Atlanta, GA) – The Chicago Cubs opened the 2010 season yesterday with a resounding thud against the Atlanta Braves. It seems the team had trouble shaking off the rust from Spring Training and a long offseason. Starting pitching difficulties and bullpen experience issues continue to haunt the Cubs like a grim specter from years passed, following them everywhere they go.

And if that were the only creepy thing following the Cubs, they might be able to accept it.Recently, the team has been receivingĀ bizarre letters, and observing strange things on their road trip to Atlanta.

“I’ve been trying to focus on getting ready for this series against the Braves, but these things keep,” Chicago Cubs pitcher Ryan Dempster said before pausing. “Well, things keep happening.”

While Dempster was too rattled to go into details, he said that he woke up on Sunday night to find that his Atlanta hotel pillow was “a bit warmer than it should have been.”

And Dempster’s travails aren’t the only odd occurrence. The same night, Cubs shortstop Ryan Theriot reported a “strange rumbling sound” in the hotel room adjacent to his, coupled with a pen-sized hole that had been carved into Theriot’s closet. By the time Theriot located a hotel manager to let him into the room, whoever had been there was gone, leaving behind only a cowboy hat and a Dixie cup of astroglide.

The Cubs say the mysterious stalker has also been sending creepy notes made from letters cut from magazines.

“I’m not really sure if they’re threatening, or what, though,” Theriot said. “All of the letters are Cs.”

Increasingly, the Cubs suspect a disgruntled former player: recently cut reserve Kevin Millar, who was desperate to be a Chicago Cub.

“I can’t be certain,” Theriot said, “but when Kevin showered in Mesa, he had this certain thing with his, you know, landscaping downstairs. And some of the pictures I’ve been receiving are similar. But now he’s got my named shaved in there.”

Though he was clearly heartbroken not to make the Cubs this year, Millar denies any wrongdoing.

“Look, is it my fault if the Cubs and I keep crossing paths?” Millar said from behind slightly rolled down, black tinted windows in a mid-90s Astro Van. “I was in Atlanta for a Sailor Moon convention. I ran into Kosuke. It happens.”

“And as for the underwear thing, I mail my underwear to all kinds of people. I mailed a pair of spanks to my grandma just last week.”

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