Lack of Injuries Leave Cubs Excuse Reserves Dangerously Low
May 2, 2010
(Chicago, IL) – Despite a couple of recent wins against a struggling Arizona club, the Chicago Cubs’ season has been, on the whole, a disappointment. A lack of timely hitting or a reliable bullpen have led to a number of close, late losses.
But why exactly aren’t the Cubs performing better? It’s easy to see the problems, but it’s harder to see the reasons. So we went straight to the source: the Chicago Cubs Excuse Department.
“Look, I’m going to tell you the same thing I told other hundred reporters,” a visibly shaken Cubs Excuse official shouted through a slightly ajar office window. “We are overworked and understaffed right now, and we just don’t have anything for you.”
Word around the clubhouse is that the team’s reserve of excuses, usually at an extraordinarily high level at this time of year following a poor start, are in trouble. Injuries, which typically comprise more than 65% of the team’s excuses, are virtually nonexistent. The Cubs’ soft early-season schedule isn’t helping either.
“It’s pretty bad right now,” one Cubs’ source, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, explained. “Aramis Ramirez is doing his best to help us out with his terrible performance, but it’s just not enough of an excuse to explain the early season struggles of the team. Hell, even Alfonso Soriano has started playing well. We just have almost no excuses.”
But according to sources, the Cubs are working behind the scenes on the problem. Some foot soldiers have been released into the city to subtly remind fans about the Cubs’ irregular daytime schedule, which they say puts the club at a competitive disadvantage.
Another effort, far more clandestine, is designed to increase the team’s Strategic Neifi Reserves, which would be tapped should the losses continue at such a rate that no other possible excuse will do.