Cubs Ask Aramis Ramirez to Take Naps During Games

May 12, 2010

(Chicago, IL) – The Chicago Cubs’ offensive woes are a secret to no one.

Just as plain are the particular struggles of star third baseman Aramis Ramirez. His batting average stands at just .159, and he has not been able to keep his OPS over .500.

And the Cubs are no longer content to sit back and do nothing about it. The solution? They want Aramis to sit back and do nothing about it.“We’re going to try a new strategy with Aramis,” Cubs manager Lou Piniella explained Wednesday evening. “We’ve tried batting cages, soft toss, different spots in the order. None of it seems to be working for him, so we’ve asked him to experiment with, you know, not playing. At all.”

“We’ve encouraged him to take some time for himself during games, head back into the clubhouse, pound a handful of Ambien, and knock himself out. Literally.”

The Cubs, who developed the controversial strategy after observing events in Seattle with former star Ken Griffey, Jr., asked Ramirez to nap for the first time on Wednesday, and defeated the Florida Marlins 4-3.

“I don’t know if the plan will help Aramis out,” left fielder Alfonso Soriano confessed, “but it’s sure as shit going to help us.”

Ramirez, himself, is on board with the plan.

“At first, I questioned it,” Ramirez said from a Lazy Boy recliner in the Cubs’ clubhouse. “I mean, it’s hard to imagine me getting out of this funk if I’m not playing, and not even in the dugout. But I trust Lou. And I just want to do what’s best for the team.”

“And the truth is…” Ramirez continued before passing out mid-sentence. No one had the heart to wake him.


One Response to “Cubs Ask Aramis Ramirez to Take Naps During Games”

  1. Sara Kmiecik on May 28th, 2010 1:56 pm

    Just stumbled onto your blog and I love it! Great perspective on the Cubs.

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