After Completing Anger Management, Carlos Zambrano Will Head to Shopaholics Anonymous

July 2, 2010

(Chicago, IL) – Carlos Zambrano’s anger finally got the best of him. After a visible outburst last week directed at teammates, Zambrano was suspended by the team, and ordered to attend anger management counseling.

The team hopes the counseling will allow Zambrano to finally reign in his regular angry explosions, but without causing him to lose the fire that allows him to pitch so well.

But Zambrano won’t be back until after the All Star break, even if he completes anger management by then. Why? While the official line is that he needs time away from the team, sources suggest that the reason is because Zambrano will need additional counseling. Apparently, he’s not just addicted to rage. He’s also addicted to shopping.For years, rumors have swirled about Zambrano’s passion for expensive shoes and Italian handbags, and there were¬†unsubstantiated reports that the Hollywood classic, “Confessions of a Shopaholic,” was based on Zambrano’s exploits. Most simply thought Zambrano had expensive tastes.

But it wasn’t until Zambrano’s June 15 appearance this year, where he removed himself from a game early so that he could “get his bid on” in an eBay auction involving a collection of “Ewoks: The Battle for Endor” bed sheets, when the team realized he had a much more serious shopping problem.

“Carlos is a good guy,” General Manager Jim Hendry explained. “And he’s going to get the anger help that he needs, and he’ll return to the team, and everything will be fine. But before he does that, there are some things we need him to do for himself.”

“I’m not going to go into details, because that’s personal. Let’s just say, the average person is not on a first name basis with the Wal-Mart greeter at every single Wal-Mart in the greater Chicago area.”

“Oh, and the average person doesn’t buy ‘authentic Native American tribal toilet paper,’ no matter how good the sale is.”


One Response to “After Completing Anger Management, Carlos Zambrano Will Head to Shopaholics Anonymous”

  1. Enrique on August 25th, 2010 6:42 pm

    I would buy authentic Native American tribal toilet paper if it was a good deal…

Got something to say?

You must be logged in to post a comment.